Iced Vanilla Coffee with Extra Splash of Heavy Cream served with side of anxiety

Its been a long time, my old friend. So long, I am not certain that I still have the capacity to pen the way I once did. Story-like and somewhat jovial in our struggles and still quite hopeful for the future to be different from the melodramatic somewhat overwhelming hell we have experienced over and over; year after year. 

But since that time (i know you should not start with 'but' but I'm gonna anyway); I think I have changed a lot from who I was once or who I once was. I have felt this fluctuation, deformation, rectification coming for some time and it seems there was no way to prevent its inception. I was told, or more aptly put; warned that this would happen and the transformation of what I knew my life to be was inevitable. 

It is impossible not to expect as much. I went from a mindset of carrying an imagined world upon my worried shoulders; to actually carrying the responsibility of doing right by an entire community, as well as one of the largest institutions in Amer…

Oh, Look it's the Light at the End of the Tunnel!! Oh, no. Just the train...

Its 2152 hrs, on a Wednesday night. I can't say that this will be eloquently penned; I'm not sure I still have the capacity to write that way. It has been so long since I have written, and so many things have transpired since my last note. I am only writing now, because I am honestly too lazy tonight to "chore" around the house and tired of looking at work related materials.

originally started early 2017

lugubrious, melancholy, somber: "The Right Word" is hardly found

It's 12:39 am, a Tuesday night, or Wednesday morning rather; the house is asleep. Everyone but me and the television. Dexter Season 5, episode 8 I believe. We are actually on Season 8, but since my love has a sleep schedule different than my own; I am going back mostly for sound... and possibly a lesson in boorish vocabulary via Debra Morgan. Her character uses the 'F" words in ways I have never thought of. *I just realized that the Netflix provided closed captions edit all the cuss words on this episode! Ha.

I am on nights until May. I start my shift in the dark and come home in the dark. I revel in any minute of sunshine I might catch in the hour or so before I have to ready myself and head to work. I close my eyes and feel the sunbeams lay their long fingers upon my forehead and cheekbones; warming my face in those tiny moments. I look forward to warmer days, but we have many days of winter left before then.

Although I had a most lovely night with my darling, we try t…

He who Can't Cut the Mustard is Between a Rock and a Hard Place and is running Against the Clock

Well, well, well... we meet again.

It seems I always find myself back here. A need to speak to no one in particular or to no body at all but yet everyone or anyone that finds themselves here. 

Let's see. I graduated in December with my Masters. I went the very quick route; no thesis and 12 credit hours a semester. I completed it as I intended although interestingly enough, accolades are not given for grades as they are in undergraduate studies. I have to remind myself that more than just an extra title or 'award' received, I wanted to the scores for me. Somewhere along my life's journey, I have collectively grouped all the voices that said 'I couldn't' into a faceless and terrifying entity that sits squarely on my shoulders. It holds in one hand a direct line to my subconsciousness and in the other a recorded, looped message doubting my abilities. Its claws hold tightly and I fear I'll never be able to shake it off of me. 

I vaguely remember a line from St…

Catching up...

to begin, i am betting that this will be a vomiting and not in the eloquent sense that i am hoping for.

my best friend started blogging the other day and i was reminded that this was a place i used to come to that i could unhinge and let go of all that which sat in my skull stewing all day. i had abandoned it (originally due to a hectic schedule- but eventually out of laziness i'd guess), and put it to the side of 'want to's' like reading for fun, quilting, learning a new trade, travel, gardening, etc...

but what an amazing opportunity  this is that i have let slip by... when my daily expression of thought is based off of recitals and memorization or commands and requests and chatting to teenagers, spouse, and animals-- why wouldn't i come to this place of free thought and dumping of those other thoughts that begin before i am even awake and end... well, never i hope. [think or sink]

so i thank you Ruby, for your continued inspiration you bestow upon me and i look fo…

Beloved Bravado

Origin of BELOVED: Middle English, from past participle of beloven to love, from be- + loven to love
First Known Use: 14th century.

Words escape me. I have you on my mind all day long... over and over running through my mind, even when I am dreaming. The moment I sit down to express it. The words escape me.

He is the warm breeze that glances off my shoulders and whispers as it blows through my hair, circling around me, I feel the comforts of home and I feel safe.

He is the light that illuminates my path leading my way, and on the dreariest and darkest of days, he is my sunshine.

He is the carrier of my heart, and wherever he goes, it goes with him...

Snow birds

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air…" --Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

"He who is in love is wise and is becoming wiser, sees newly every time he looks at the object beloved, drawing from it with his eyes and his mind those virtues which it possesses." --Ralph Waldo Emerson, Address on The Method of Nature, 1841

Monk was right. Emerson is great. These are my 'thoughts' that I cannot seem to put together.Words escape me tonight but I feel like having my fingers to keys or pen to paper... I miss him so much. Not just missing someone to help with dishes, or stand by and listen to my complaints and cheers of the day, or someone to handle the biz so I don't have to... its something like nothing else... I miss his smile, his touch, his laughter, his voice, the way he holds my hand, opens the door for me, pulls out my seat, lets me pick the movie, …