Splendiferous Conventionality

It is freezing out. Well, I could not say for certain that the temperature is at  freezing... but I am shivering. My fire is dim, my bones are bare. There is an aching and emptiness that is all consuming. Days and nights stumble into one another with dilemas needing resolution and time spinning all too quickly yet my burning moments feel like molasses. I am... lost. I am separated from myself and all that was certain. I feel everything and it is too painful to bare. A painful acknowledgement that no matter how hard I have worked, and regardless of the benefits, and disregard of that beautifully smoked pipe dream... it is not to be. It can not be. To pursue it would be selfish. I have already been selfish in my pursuit for education. I should have gotten a damn "normal" job years ago and had a steady paycheck. Instead I have accumulated debt, and missed time with my children; if not activities, in stability and sanity. I pushed my husband into a career that may not have been

How fascinating! I settled in on the couch late last night deciding I would "allow" myself a night of nothingness. I was watching a 2-disc documentary DVD of serial killers. Perhaps I am one of only a few mothers in America who can simultaneously listen to such gory material and carry out normal, menial tasks such as quilting or folding laundry, and not be bothered per se . The material is gruesome and tragic-- I recognize that... but I am fascinated by what makes these people killers in comparison to the rest of us non-killers. I wrapped up in a fuzzy fleece hug as red as a berry as the dog curled up at my feet and the cat nestled in my lap. Not long after stretching out, I realized an invisible string must be strung from my toes to my eyelids. The more stretching I did, the more comfortable I became, the harder it was to keep my eyes open. I dozed off during an episode about the "Profile of a Killer".... ...the first time I woke was due to the baking of myse

I find it fascinating that when I choose to sit here with this open and in front of me- I find myself with nothing to say. Contrarily, when I am driving, walking to work or class, or laying in bed at night trying to rest my head from a long day-- many thoughts and ideas worth documenting (in my opinion) race about, bleeding into one another, and are lost again for another day. I am upset right now because I am lacking control over a situation that affects me in a certain way that I can not easily explain. I see in someone the capacity to make great changes in this putrid world we live in. I see in him the ability to reach people through example, through sacrifice, through laughter and music. This person has been illuminating our world for 32 years and mine for eight. With him and because of him, my life has changed. Oh, people say that kind of thing all the time and often rather flippantly-- but I say it with complete truth. He forgave me for my luggage, he accepted me with my im

This will may be a more extensive 'vomitting' than posts past, not because I have had too much turkey, pie, or eggnog (or all of the above), but because there was a lot fit into these 15 hours I have been awake. The day began with what sounded like a rooster bobbing for apples as it crowed or maybe that it was hung upside down as it announced the new day approaching. I thought I had dreamed it or it was working its way through the ventilation system from the first floor television. Either way, the cock-a-doodle doo did it's duty and I peeled open my eyes. I reached beside the bed to check the time and realized the youngest had already made her way from the land of nod to cartoons and coloring books. I was less eager to put my feet on the floor as it had only been a few wee hours since I laid my head on the pillow for rest. I texted (amazing this word is not understood by my T9 (which is done through text)) my lovely husband who sadly (yet fantastically) is away for the f

Well, here it is, almost two months since my last post. It has been quite an adventure thus far but I think ( unless I have completely gone off ) that I am maintaining better than I expected. Although in the last week and as the time draws near-- I find myself to be melancholy and terribly lost without my love by my side... It is an interesting process... this growth, this becoming. I had hoped it might be a little smoother, a little easier, a little less painful. In retrospect, I should expect as much as my life stories have generally followed that blueprint. Slightly difficult and generally complicated- almost always requiring a Plan B ( and sometimes, Plan C, Plan D, and multiple trips to the 'ol drawing board ). I think though, this and all of those stories before had a purpose I couldn't have predicted until more pieces of the bigger picture were presented. One thing that I thought I had already discovered was the human condition of loneliness and aching. I have experi

that title was an infiltration by the aforementioned spouse... i thought it was cute and sweet... and so i shall leave it. as if it matters to anyone else, but it might be mentioned that i have had this particular blog page open with intention to write for more than four days now... it seems as if i do not have the time, but more often than not, the energy to sit and actually think. although i could do a brain dump and just type what comes to mind and hope it is neither too offensive, pointless, or out-there... ehh... will see how this progresses i guess.  i actually do not have time now, i need to clean the kitchen and pick up this room. i don't have to per se as no one is home but me and the critters... but it should be the perfect time to do it, right?

In case you were curious; yes, indeed, this does suck. I should elaborate or clarify that every waking moment doesn't suck-- but many (and sometimes, most) of them do. Chicken pot pie. A perfect meal for an individual. A. Uh. One. Not intended for sharing. Actually, I don't know if I've consistently ever eaten alone.... I tried to reflect on the time spent in my tiny one bedroom duplex that sheltered me after a major upset and I don't think I really ate much. If I did, I am sure it was very tiny and enough to sustain. Unless I am with good company, I find eating to be a chore. Do not take this moment to make judgments about my size- that is not the only reason I am thin. "God made me this way" as well. Not only that, but both of my birth parents are slender people. I don't mind the actual act of eating when the food is tasty, the right temperature, affordable priced, and good company to wash it down with... but minus any of those things and it just feel

Well today was one for the books. I am actually unsure what to type. I am surrounded by love but I feel so alone. If anyone questioned my loyalty, faith, or monogamy to my husband than I challenge them as I can attest that it should never be a concern. I have never loved anyone more that I didn't bare from my own womb. I have never trusted anyone as much. I have never felt as proud as I do for him. I miss him so much and its just been a few hours. I miss him so much that I half convinced myself that this was just a dream. I miss him so much that although I am enveloped in support and love by our dear friends and family; I feel alone without him near. Nothing seems as good, clear, or beautiful without him. My laughter feels empty, my arms heavy; the day and its required duties are just that, required. FUNction... not really so much fun... Of course, I have a rational brain regardless of my heartache. He will return. This is not forever. He is doing a good thing. A service to us