My Little Space

its very hard not to write this in brain waves. random thoughts spurt out of my fingertips every time i sit here to expel what has run through my mind in a day. i don't want to do that. i really want to write something magnificent. i wish i could explain the feeling. if you are a musician or a painter, i think you can understand... when it hits you- that creative glimmer of possibility of something... amazing... all at your fingertips. half the time, it seems, that this occurs when the medium is not in front of you- so you have to 'hold' it until you get to where you can give birth to it.

ok, i'll do both.

first day of class. feel good about it thus far. as far as the expectation of the classes, and homework and tests and the possibility of achieving A's again. why do we write "A's" like that- as if it belongs to the A? is there another way that is more appropriate? oh, sorry... tangents come easy in this environment. instantly hungry. oh, i hate that. necessary bodily functions annoy me on a daily basis. i hate having to STOP what i am doing to satisfy them- its my body why can't I decide? i bought a beautiful CD. here is one of my favorite songs: "Morning" by Iron and Wine.

HARD LIGHT/TAKE THE WINGS OFF THE WINTER/SOFT BIRD/THEY WERE STRONG HANDS THAT HELD HER/MILES ABOVE GROUND/WE CAN'T SEE YOU NOW/MORNING/TOOK THE REINS FROM THE RIDER/STRONG HANDS/ON THE LAP BEHIND HER/THAT TEAR HER NIGHTGOWN/WE CAN'T SEE YOU NOW

it reminds me of her. speaking of which, is on my mind constantly this week. probably because it would have been around this time she would text me to tell me she believed in me, and that she was proud of me, and "you go Mighty Mouse"! i have never known anguish like this. of all the loss i have experienced-- the weight is still hard to bear at times, but i know i am not alone.

i love music, or books, or movies, or paintings that instantly make me feel ferklempt. it inspires me to do that for someone else. i want to share my blogs but am incredibly nervous. it feels like it will be the biggest exposure into my closet, although what i have written isn't incredibly personal- i sit here and 'vomit' (that's for you N.S.) what's on my mind- but mostly because i want someone to think afterwards, "wow! that was an interesting paragraph", or "incredible writing" or something that leads me to postulate that my writing is worth reading. a note: i had to use that word. postulate. its been in my head for no apparent reason- i am not even sure if i have ever used it before. perhaps all my little word games like Bookworm, Boggle, and Scramble are actually helping? ;o)

crud. see? now i can't think. why? because my stomach has decided it is time to eat... therefore shutting off other functions (thought) until it is satisfied. sheesh.

ok. temporarily lapsed thought by stupid addiction to cyber communicating with real friends.

aggghhh... i'm gonna start a new one. that is all.