Splendiferous Conventionality

What I want to write about, I can't let out just yet. So maybe, I will just paint a picture. First, we can just automatically include all the unfun, disquieting experiences of adulthood. The bills, the jobs, the bills, having no money, the chores, house maintenance. Getting up early, morning traffic, co-workers, bosses, paycheck deductibles, taxes, afternoon traffic. (or for those that have to work non-traditional shifts; different times getting up and going to bed). Ok, I think that covers some very basic adult type responsibilities that most people over the age of 20 (younger for some, older for others) can relate to. I think we can all agree the aforementioned are a pain in the Sitzfleisch. But to some degree ( or all of them ), we accept it as "it is what it is" and we dismally hear often, "welcome to adulthood". I read something today about how we work the majority of our lives, retirement is not until 67 (for social security benefits), and the average lif...

It is Sunday evening and daylight savings time has allowed the sun to still shine brilliantly through our abundant living room windows. The couch and my rear-end congregate quickly and smoothly like long lost lovers reuniting. Over the last several months, I have created a human imprint in this space. It has been a combination of ennui and debility, crashing like colossal waves; over and over and over again. Think of those scorching summer days at the city pool. From opening to close. Swimming, laying out, swimming, snacking, and swimming some more until the pool closed. You were starved, sun kissed, and sun drained; and that overwhelming urge to grab forty winks took over your body. It has been like that, but without the fun, exercise, and vitamin D. There have been snacks, however. I have Hoovered an abundance of sucrose and salted treats; desperately seeking the dopamine. I have tried every marshmallowly sweetmeat I can find (thank Chuck for cotton candy peeps) and binge watched...

Well, here it is, almost two months since my last post. It has been quite an adventure thus far but I think ( unless I have completely gone off ) that I am maintaining better than I expected. Although in the last week and as the time draws near-- I find myself to be melancholy and terribly lost without my love by my side... It is an interesting process... this growth, this becoming. I had hoped it might be a little smoother, a little easier, a little less painful. In retrospect, I should expect as much as my life stories have generally followed that blueprint. Slightly difficult and generally complicated- almost always requiring a Plan B ( and sometimes, Plan C, Plan D, and multiple trips to the 'ol drawing board ). I think though, this and all of those stories before had a purpose I couldn't have predicted until more pieces of the bigger picture were presented. One thing that I thought I had already discovered was the human condition of loneliness and aching. I have experi...

i can't write now, although i want to. i feel the devil knocking on my door, breathing down my neck; with his hot, fervent breath making the hairs on my neck singe. "you can't do this. you're not strong enough. you're no different than anyone else, what makes you so special?" why i would bother to even entertain his thoughts, i do not know. maybe i am not strong enough... why can't i beat him away? oh, yeah... that's right; because through all of me that makes me 'magical' and hopeful; i am also considerably practical. blame it on my education, training; shiv... i bet we could chalk up a good percentage to life... i bust bust bust but i'm not knocking down any doors... i'm barely making dents in the walls. all that i do and exert energy for are all wonderful, meaningful things for life and life only... these are not career associations. i've never even held a job in the area that i am wanting to end up in-- not to mention,...

i should be doing nothing else but filling my brain with a ridiculous amount of sociology terms in preparation for tomorrow's test-- but quite frankly, i'm ready for the school year to be over and my brain has fastly stopped participating in regular school activities; mostly studying but especially retaining. i really really want to be involved mentally-- but alas, 4 1/2 months and almost 19 hrs later, i am tired. April was the busiest month i have seen in some time, and it looks as if May may be jealous of the attention i gave it; so it is playing copycat and i sit here and wonder when i may see some reprieve. [am i the only one who when seeing words spelled with an ie or ei in the middle, look it over and quietly say "i before e except after c"?-- ok, i figured. just me.] i'll make it- the semester is almost over. two weeks i think and i'll be off (of school) until fall. i should take summer classes, but i just refuse. i'm eager beaver when it comes to s...

I should not be writing. I should be sawing some sort of log, or counting some sort of fluffy farm animal jumping fences, or be floating through the air in a cloud car on my way to Care-A-Lot... but I often do not do what is best for me. That time will come I suppose. I am in take-care-of-them mode. Them is broad and nondescript. Them  may be the kids, the neighbors, a sick friend, a recipient of my snail mail correspondence, homework, volunteering, organizations, housework, yard work, my husband... the cat. I am OK with this- it is my body and brain that are having a hard time adjusting. Sheesh. You'd think they'd know the drill by now. I mean really. I've only been doing it this way for the majority of my existence. I suppose I am getting better at it now-- at least I am healthier about it, and the people or items I am taking care of are healthier as well. It has been so long since I have really been careless with myself that it seems eons ago... and other than it m...

...at 30 minutes after the hour. a picture of two very familiar faces also indicate who this special call is coming from. i happily answer as i unfortunately missed its ring earlier. a little, beautiful, piece of me voice, half jokingly, half scolding asks why i didn't answer earlier. i explain that i was visiting and my phone wasn't near. she eventually accepts it, but then tells me disheartening news... My Heart: "I might have to start seeing my counselor, my counselor Jan again.". Me: "Oh?", (i try to muster out without alarming concern) >> did i fool her, or just myself? >> My Heart: "Yeah." Me: "Why's that?" My Heart: " Because I am starting to miss you again ." Me: "Oh." >> completely heartbroken >> "Well, that's ok. We all have to talk to someone sometimes. Maybe it will help. Does writing in the journal help at all?" My Heart: >> matter of factly >> "N...

What is going on with me? I am out of control. I don't know if you have ever experienced Divine Intervention, or a "calling" -- a true, spiritual calling to do something greater than what you'd been doing previous to this interaction with Fate's salesman. It is overwhelming. It is all consuming. It is smothering. It is painful, and it is joyous. I have felt this one other time before. I was working in a nursing home as a receptionist. We had an in service regarding Hospice- and the nurse giving the meeting was simply explaining some of the procedures and some of the facilities available and some of the reasons why people choose Hospice- when I noticed that I was softly bawling. (if bawling can ever be considered 'soft'). I didn't know why- I wasn't currently involved with someone going through this stage of their life- I had lost people before, but not in a manner similar to this that might strike those chords-- what was the deal? I've always b...

My table, currently, is the perfect analogy of my life... piles of things to be done; homework, kids' papers, bills to pay, receipts; window cleaner, a bottle of Pledge and some paper towels; a hammer, two dead batteries, some medicine, and approximately four broken items in desperate need of some serious super glue. All these things remain on the table... no one is fixing, gluing, paying, filing, or giving any attention to these things... they sit and collect dust and past due notices... the table, like me, is overwhelmed. There are too many things to fix; too many pieces to match up to their broken spots; too many things to keep straight and organize-- I want to take my long, gangly arm and sweep these things on to the floor- watching with glee as they tumble onto the floor with various degrees of sounds- CRASH BANG THUMP CLATTER- batteries roll under the couch, the cat chases the roll of paper towels, papers flit and flutter until they finally find a new home amongst the wood fl...

"Lemon-aide might not be made of lemons, but of different source. Proceed with caution." I pause ( again ) to ask myself what my direction and intentions are in this life- or at least at this juncture. It feels like every day is challenging, overwhelming; feeling even more difficult than the day before it and the one before it. You know that one day of the week where nothing goes right from beginning to end; starting with an overworked snooze button -waking twenty minutes past the point of a calm and pleasant morning schedule- leading to a mad rush out of the house following the quickest tooth brushing known to man- having breakfast in the form of a Twinkie chased down by a Pepsi- merely stopping long enough to assure that both shoes match- only finding out as you're looking down and pulling the door behind you that you have in fact just locked yourself out of the house, and out of your car-- not to mention that by the time a locksmith comes ("we can be there sometim...

Today, while freezing my can off outside- I glanced to my left where two large boxes stood soggy and covered by the freshly fallen snow. What caught my eye was the most amazing thing! Amongst all the little pellets of snow, were the teeny tiniest perfectly shaped 6 point snowflakes. I mean tiny and perfect-as if the tiniest little hands took the tiniest pieces of paper and cut out the tiniest little snowflakes - held them in their tiny hands and blew - and they softly fell to earth just waiting to be seen by someone who took the time... someone to notice the simple things. Most of us spent the majority of the day complaining of the cold- as it was considerably frigid and quite bitter... but to notice and hold for a moment something so beautiful and intricate and unaffected-- it was amazing. I tried sharing it with others. People who I thought could use a little glance at God's amazing attention to detail. Most thought I was crazy, (not all; one shared in it's wonder) others th...