Wailing and Crowing March Madness

It is Sunday evening and daylight savings time has allowed the sun to still shine brilliantly through our abundant living room windows. The couch and my rear-end congregate quickly and smoothly like long lost lovers reuniting. Over the last several months, I have created a human imprint in this space. It has been a combination of ennui and debility, crashing like colossal waves; over and over and over again. Think of those scorching summer days at the city pool. From opening to close. Swimming, laying out, swimming, snacking, and swimming some more until the pool closed. You were starved, sun kissed, and sun drained; and that overwhelming urge to grab forty winks took over your body. It has been like that, but without the fun, exercise, and vitamin D. There have been snacks, however. I have Hoovered an abundance of sucrose and salted treats; desperately seeking the dopamine. I have tried every marshmallowly sweetmeat I can find (thank Chuck for cotton candy peeps) and binge watched every available cooking competition, house reno, and Ru Paul's drag race. My mind has been slow and communicating has been challenging. I have always felt fairly quick witted and sharp, but over the last year finding the right words has been frequent rough and tumble embarrassing attempts. Have you ever tried to learn a new language? You learn enough to understand fundamental nouns, verbs, adjectives and interpret basic conversation but responding back to a greeting or question, you struggle to recall the right verb tense, or construction? That is similar to how it has felt. Surrounding that, an impenetrable fog has engulfed my headspace. It has depleted my creativeness and sucked the life and light out of me. The effluvium is comprised of multifarious sorrows, sadnesses and stresses; many, if not most, out of my control; but heavily persistent regardless. The fog used to descend upon me briefly at times, but I, with my sword of fortitude and shield of positivity; repelled the dark mephitis with celerity and strength. My effervescence and mirth shone brightly and loudly once again. This time, the brume has been so intensely impervious; deep and inauspicious, that it has felt not even a pin prick of light shown through. My corporal meat suit felt stretched too thin like butter on a dry cracker. My legs, back, arms, neck and of course, my big ol' bobble head hurt, from daybreak to sunset. The waves of discontentment continue to crash loudly and brutally. Moments of reprieve; quickly ripped away with a new uncertainty. I forced my concrete heavy legs to get my body up for work, in the hopes I could make some light by giving justice or voice to the voiceless. I gave my best effort to give my whole self during those 9 hours of each workday, but know that my best at that time, was still not enough. But I tried again anyway. More than that, I tried to give best face (albeit makeup-less) to those around me and those I love. I did not share this darkness with others. I did not express my despair. Or hopelessness. Or pain. Or fear. Not because I have felt I could handle it alone; I've always had a ridiculous need to not burden others when I possibly can control it. Dumb. I chastise and scold my loved ones for doing the very same. It comes from no other place, other than my acute awareness of how many others are suffering with their own perturbations, and I did not want to add to that. They would give me their ear, their time, and their support. But I know also, it is there, should I call for it. I was also deeply ashamed that I could not fight it off like I had done before. But if you had to swim for your life for hours and hours, eventually you would either need a lifeboat, or drown. And I was ready to acquiesce the fight. I did not want the lifeboat; I was ready to mollify my sorrow and drift into the soft silence of the last call. But a great thunderclap split the atramentous veil that had nearly consumed me. A blazing luminescence broke through the gooey, complicated weight, now dripping fully over my whole self. A sun shower washed over me and cracked the sludge covering me. It dried up and fell off of my head, arms, and entire self. Although my legs still shook with heaviness; I stood. Even though my head was still mushy; I thought. In spite of my heart still hurting; I felt. I picked up my sword and my shield, dusted the unproprituous darkness from my shoulders and soaked up the warmth and comfort of the golden light. Live to fight another day. "Ad astra per aspera."