Solitary Confinement Surrounded by Many
Well, here it is, almost two months since my last post. It has been quite an adventure thus far but I think (unless I have completely gone off) that I am maintaining better than I expected. Although in the last week and as the time draws near-- I find myself to be melancholy and terribly lost without my love by my side...
It is an interesting process... this growth, this becoming. I had hoped it might be a little smoother, a little easier, a little less painful. In retrospect, I should expect as much as my life stories have generally followed that blueprint. Slightly difficult and generally complicated- almost always requiring a Plan B (and sometimes, Plan C, Plan D, and multiple trips to the 'ol drawing board). I think though, this and all of those stories before had a purpose I couldn't have predicted until more pieces of the bigger picture were presented.
One thing that I thought I had already discovered was the human condition of loneliness and aching. I have experienced it before but in other ways such as through death and joint custody. I have experienced it in solitary long drives to and from family visits in Northern Kansas. Driving for what seems like eternity with the loudness of silence and the ache of what wasn't and what is no more. Sunflowers and fields for miles to the east and the west. The only passenger is my mind that never shuts up. None of those moments seem to compare to this loneliness. This ache. This pining for something, someone so magnificent that since 12/2003 I have not been the same person. I have not seen the sun or moon the same way. I have not tasted, breathed, or felt in a way comparable to my moments following the introduction of this person in my life. I can honestly say I feel whole with him. He is my best friend. He is my lover. He is my husband, and without him I am not certain I would be the same. He has stood by me, thick or thin, sickness and health, poor and poorer (wink), and because of him I want to be better.
I want to live. Each and every day. Completely. I want to do things for others. Spread goodness and light. I want to contribute to the betterment of society. I want to guide my fantastic children into individual 'beans' who will break cycles, spread acceptance, work for change in our world. I want to be a voice for those that can not speak out for themselves. I see such beauty in my surroundings- these little traces of cosmic phenomenon found in orange and pink sunsets, tiny flawless flowers, perfect little snowflakes, baby's laughter, infinite and honest love. I am encouraged by several amazing people in my life who are marching on to fight the good fight- to not succumb to bitterness and apathy. To guide others with positivism. To represent strength and unity. I feel overwhelmed at times when I witness it... because unfortunately it has fallen out of daily action for many and considered incongruous in typical human behavior. Have you recently received a most fantastic customer service experience? Did you want to rush home and send them a 'thank you' note because it was so fabulous? Not only because it was fabulous-- but also because it seems to be more and more uncommon. The world is on fast forward; constantly looking for the shortest route, the easiest way, compact yet large, cheap yet quality, and disposable. We waste food. We waste energy. We waste time. We throw away hours at mindless fodder in hope for a touch of meaningful experience regardless of the emptiness of our effort. We do not make phone calls when a text will do. We do not mail letters when an email is quicker and easier. We do not stand up or speak out for others if it does not affect us. We rarely acknowledge others' accomplishments or attributes but quickly point out their shortcomings.
I want to be a part of the movement, if you will, that breaks that. Do not misread me. I do text. I do at times email. I spend more than enough moments on Facebook. But, but... I am doing the other too. I am trying to keep the connection. I am trying to spread the light. I am trying to stay above water in the hopes that our children, their children, and those forth will have an opportunity for a world where hate, anger, dismay, prejudice, and poison do not lay the path of where we walk. To those of you beautiful beans who are an inspiration to me by your daily living-- keep the shiny side up. You are touching hearts, and changing more lives one step at a time, each day of your lives. Thank you.
It is an interesting process... this growth, this becoming. I had hoped it might be a little smoother, a little easier, a little less painful. In retrospect, I should expect as much as my life stories have generally followed that blueprint. Slightly difficult and generally complicated- almost always requiring a Plan B (and sometimes, Plan C, Plan D, and multiple trips to the 'ol drawing board). I think though, this and all of those stories before had a purpose I couldn't have predicted until more pieces of the bigger picture were presented.
One thing that I thought I had already discovered was the human condition of loneliness and aching. I have experienced it before but in other ways such as through death and joint custody. I have experienced it in solitary long drives to and from family visits in Northern Kansas. Driving for what seems like eternity with the loudness of silence and the ache of what wasn't and what is no more. Sunflowers and fields for miles to the east and the west. The only passenger is my mind that never shuts up. None of those moments seem to compare to this loneliness. This ache. This pining for something, someone so magnificent that since 12/2003 I have not been the same person. I have not seen the sun or moon the same way. I have not tasted, breathed, or felt in a way comparable to my moments following the introduction of this person in my life. I can honestly say I feel whole with him. He is my best friend. He is my lover. He is my husband, and without him I am not certain I would be the same. He has stood by me, thick or thin, sickness and health, poor and poorer (wink), and because of him I want to be better.
I want to live. Each and every day. Completely. I want to do things for others. Spread goodness and light. I want to contribute to the betterment of society. I want to guide my fantastic children into individual 'beans' who will break cycles, spread acceptance, work for change in our world. I want to be a voice for those that can not speak out for themselves. I see such beauty in my surroundings- these little traces of cosmic phenomenon found in orange and pink sunsets, tiny flawless flowers, perfect little snowflakes, baby's laughter, infinite and honest love. I am encouraged by several amazing people in my life who are marching on to fight the good fight- to not succumb to bitterness and apathy. To guide others with positivism. To represent strength and unity. I feel overwhelmed at times when I witness it... because unfortunately it has fallen out of daily action for many and considered incongruous in typical human behavior. Have you recently received a most fantastic customer service experience? Did you want to rush home and send them a 'thank you' note because it was so fabulous? Not only because it was fabulous-- but also because it seems to be more and more uncommon. The world is on fast forward; constantly looking for the shortest route, the easiest way, compact yet large, cheap yet quality, and disposable. We waste food. We waste energy. We waste time. We throw away hours at mindless fodder in hope for a touch of meaningful experience regardless of the emptiness of our effort. We do not make phone calls when a text will do. We do not mail letters when an email is quicker and easier. We do not stand up or speak out for others if it does not affect us. We rarely acknowledge others' accomplishments or attributes but quickly point out their shortcomings.
I want to be a part of the movement, if you will, that breaks that. Do not misread me. I do text. I do at times email. I spend more than enough moments on Facebook. But, but... I am doing the other too. I am trying to keep the connection. I am trying to spread the light. I am trying to stay above water in the hopes that our children, their children, and those forth will have an opportunity for a world where hate, anger, dismay, prejudice, and poison do not lay the path of where we walk. To those of you beautiful beans who are an inspiration to me by your daily living-- keep the shiny side up. You are touching hearts, and changing more lives one step at a time, each day of your lives. Thank you.
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