Blank Battery Dead
i can't write now, although i want to.
i feel the devil knocking on my door, breathing down my neck; with his hot, fervent breath making the hairs on my neck singe.
"you can't do this. you're not strong enough. you're no different than anyone else, what makes you so special?"
why i would bother to even entertain his thoughts, i do not know. maybe i am not strong enough... why can't i beat him away? oh, yeah... that's right; because through all of me that makes me 'magical' and hopeful; i am also considerably practical. blame it on my education, training; shiv... i bet we could chalk up a good percentage to life...
i bust bust bust but i'm not knocking down any doors... i'm barely making dents in the walls. all that i do and exert energy for are all wonderful, meaningful things for life and life only... these are not career associations. i've never even held a job in the area that i am wanting to end up in-- not to mention, (and most likely the root of my uncertainty and insecurity); i am not sure that i can 'leave everyone behind' while i try to pursue some dream that may never be. i look at other people and see how their families were affected by a parent/spouse chasing some pipe-- feelings hurt, neglect, insecurities, abandonment issues... but if i drop this now- or wash it down the drain; i'm throwing away all that i have ever wanted (other than i've always wanted a family!!) and wasting the last 4 years of my life (need we mention the debt i've accrued)...
so i ask again, why do i listen to the devil? what the hell does he know? and perhaps he's just on my heels because he's scared i'm going to be on the other side-- fighting him with honest passion and vigor that you rarely find these days...
too bad the world has outgrown super heroes-- too bad they don't sell full bodied leather skin tights suits at Dillard's complete with mask and whip (when necessary)-- too bad my cape is not only invisible to others, but feels torn and worn and inferior...
its hard not to think of tea leaves, and card readings, lines read from my palm, Divine intervention, and psychic reads-- if only any and all of these things could tell me my path; if only it were God breathing near my ear, telling me it is "ok" and that i am on my way... am i listening to who i should be?
i feel the devil knocking on my door, breathing down my neck; with his hot, fervent breath making the hairs on my neck singe.
"you can't do this. you're not strong enough. you're no different than anyone else, what makes you so special?"
why i would bother to even entertain his thoughts, i do not know. maybe i am not strong enough... why can't i beat him away? oh, yeah... that's right; because through all of me that makes me 'magical' and hopeful; i am also considerably practical. blame it on my education, training; shiv... i bet we could chalk up a good percentage to life...
i bust bust bust but i'm not knocking down any doors... i'm barely making dents in the walls. all that i do and exert energy for are all wonderful, meaningful things for life and life only... these are not career associations. i've never even held a job in the area that i am wanting to end up in-- not to mention, (and most likely the root of my uncertainty and insecurity); i am not sure that i can 'leave everyone behind' while i try to pursue some dream that may never be. i look at other people and see how their families were affected by a parent/spouse chasing some pipe-- feelings hurt, neglect, insecurities, abandonment issues... but if i drop this now- or wash it down the drain; i'm throwing away all that i have ever wanted (other than i've always wanted a family!!) and wasting the last 4 years of my life (need we mention the debt i've accrued)...
so i ask again, why do i listen to the devil? what the hell does he know? and perhaps he's just on my heels because he's scared i'm going to be on the other side-- fighting him with honest passion and vigor that you rarely find these days...
too bad the world has outgrown super heroes-- too bad they don't sell full bodied leather skin tights suits at Dillard's complete with mask and whip (when necessary)-- too bad my cape is not only invisible to others, but feels torn and worn and inferior...
its hard not to think of tea leaves, and card readings, lines read from my palm, Divine intervention, and psychic reads-- if only any and all of these things could tell me my path; if only it were God breathing near my ear, telling me it is "ok" and that i am on my way... am i listening to who i should be?
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