Unstoic

have you ever felt overwhelmed? not overwhelmed by bills, and stress, and all the components of a Calgon commercial-- but overwhelmed by something surreal, spiritual, supernatural? like your insides were being replaced by light and weightlessness and reverence? like if given the opportunity, you might change someone? not change someone because you don't like that they eat onions before bed, or they complain about your nuances, or they drink too much and you want them to stop-- but CHANGE, affect them for always. in the most positive of ways. monumental ways. like you had the capacity to wipe the slate clean of all the hatred, and hurt, and violence, and racism, and judgement from every one's mind if for only a moment, even a nanosecond?

gawd, i've felt that way lately. especially today. maybe i should check the moon. or my hormones. or winter solstice. i want you to understand that what i am experiencing is not a "God complex". i certainly would never propose or assume to be anything as omnipresent, or omniscient as He. although, i would venture to say that the Spirit is working with me. however, he is the silent type and doesn't exactly spell out for me how and what i should be doing with this feeling... this hope... this possibility. so i write here. for now. until another piece comes to me.

i guess i should also say- that i have, since i was around 12 years old (at least that is as young as i can recall it)- have felt the burden of others heavy hearts. luckily this does not come precipitously. it is generally of those closest to me- although that has certainly not been a requirement. sometimes its for the mother who lost her son at war, the man who lost his true love, the child abused my her father, the country in ruins, the classmate whose wife suffers from cancer, the victim of violence, the grown woman who never knew her mother, the woman or man or child without hope... you think i am crazy. i am pretentious for thinking or actually for saying such. that i am a bleeding heart billboard for all the lost souls out there-- i am not. i would however, rather carry the weight for any of these individuals for a short amount of time to give them a chance to breathe. to stretch their shoulders. to see sunshine again. to feel hope again.

gawd- what does God want me to do? is it enough to be me? if it is- why do i feel this smothering of weight? oh- my- gawd--- i am a moron- this feeling- this is that burden. i had clearly ignored its traits, the signs--this feeling. but this time, it comes with a little extra; a chocolate mint on the fluffed pillow on your perfectly made hotel bed-- this time it comes with more. a purpose. a role. a job... i don't know yet.

i think i've done all i can tonight. more tomorrow. perhaps i'll start writing something whole- something with girth, and substance...

until then, thank you for reading.