Pastiche

My birth mother Facebook messaged me to tell me that my half brother had a baby- well, he didn't- but apparently a woman carrying his child did. Two weeks ago I guess. The message literally consisted of this much information: "did you know that **** has a baby. he sent me a message with phone number. the baby was born 2 weeks a go. mom *****" Ok. Not that I am particularly surprised, mind you; its not like she is very detailed orientated to begin with... but rather frustrating message. I would love to be able to say that I am pleased, and that Congratulations are in order-- but um, I can't say that I feel either of these things. Saddened is probably a more accurate feeling. The last (well, one of the last things) that kid needed was a baby... you have to have your life in order before you can even begin to imagine what it takes to care for another life. The half sister (his whole sister) has 3- two of which live with the, hmmm, how do I put it professionally-- birth father with a tremendous amount of issue... and the little one, a girl, lives with my half sister. I am not a perfect mom, but there are certain things that I intend to never expose or at least make my children experience. As a mother, I have a terrible time witnessing this- and unfortunately have distanced myself considerably from any of them (birth mother included). Drama isn't even an appropriate term for the headaches that come from a 'relationship' with them... heartache, headache, soul ache... ugh... I should say, however, to clarify- that I wish them no ill will, and maybe this baby will help turn his life around. I think that is a lot of responsibility to place on a child- but it does occasionally happen. Like every lesson in life- you have to be willing to learn from it...

my little bitty kitty is sitting upon my lap- occasionally glancing up at me. i pause to look down at her, and i swear the look on her face is love. isn't it silly how close we can become to our pets? not silly-silly, but really... it is just an animal, but we take the time to care for them, provide, nurture, and love them... they become our furry little children. the loss of a pet can be terribly traumatic for some and the sadness is not light. she is a good kitty... mostly. she came at me at top speed this morning- bombarding me in the darkness as i laid back down to catch a few more Zs. she attacked my arm and then zipped off the bed- but not before she found my hand smacked across her hindquarters! no rhyme or reason! i don't snore! she'd already been fed!! sheesh! but now she sits all curled up and nestled and the soft purr from her vibrates on my lap.

i have writer's block. it is apparently my own doing. Heather Sellers- the author of "Page by Page" said not to talk about your writing- you have to keep it a 'secret', keep it inside, so that the only possible outlet is through 'pen and paper'... and i haven't done that. i have confided in friends and spoke openly about it-- so now what? now i wait for it to boil back up again and this time- mums the word! *sigh

i received 3 cards from friends in the last 4 weeks! talk about tickled pink! what a wonderful surprise- and a great little bit of sunshine. opening the envelope, and removing the little square greeting inside was like opening the clouds and letting the sun shine down! it was nice. very appreciated. you can almost hone this sixth sense- knowing exactly when to write and send the card so that it shows up in your friend's mailbox precisely when they need the "pick me up". either that or its less of a 'sense' and more that everyone is having kind of crappy days lately?!

i don't want to write- i don't want to write- i don't want to write- i don't want to write... that's not true actually. i DO want to- i just feel like i can't. *sigh

the wind is really blowing now- i am thankful to be inside, but man, I'd kill for a fireplace right about now! how perfectly wonderful would it be to have your toes toasting by the fire? cup of hot cocoa or a hot totty? divine. will not buy a house again without one. to me, it is as important as having a basement or a bathroom with a shower. especially on days like these... *double sigh

i have a test in geology tomorrow. i am going to get off of here. finish "The Murder of Roger Ackroyd" and then study... i want, but want not, to be productive-- its a power struggle.

good day to you and may your toes stay toasty...