Lachrymose Lament
my memory is failing me.
if in fact it is true that our brains only use a certain percent, then it makes sense that when new information must be stored, old information must be cleaned out. kind of like a coat closet. one can not continue to stuff years and years of coats into that tiny space and expect it to function as a proper coat closet without items wrinkling and flowing out... (apparently, in case you are wondering and/or are worried, this percentage thing is a myth)
but i wish most that i could have a choice in what should be 'replaced'... i certainly do NOT need to know how to beat Super Mario Brothers one, two, and three (including every extra life and warp zone). Although, i am pretty certain i earned a fair amount of 'cool' points from my son when i proved that i could do this still!
Another bit of useless info stored in my grey matter- cartoon and television characters that i watched as early as age 4. What good are these memories? Sure it brings me a little joy in reflection, but for the most part these memories are fairly foggy and the shows are not found on regular television anymore. Remembering each ShirtTale character, the names of the characters on The Facts of Life, or if it was Mr. Smithers posing as the Snow Ghost in the episode of "That's Snow Ghost" of What's New, Scooby Doo? circa 1970. (p.s. i did not see it in 1970-- but on re-run some years later- just do not want to misrepresent my age).
If i could forget the names of most of my classmates that i do not see or speak to and haven't for years. ones that i never had any form of relationship with, or even lyrics to songs that aren't played on the radio anymore (and some probably shouldn't!)...
if i could clear this space- and if i truly only get to use so much of my brain- then perhaps i would not be forgetting the most important memories i think i could have-- my children as babies. talk about tear out my heart. sometimes i have to refer to their baby books or my journals from that time to recall when they took a step, or said a word, or their favorite foods, or their favorite books. sometimes it feels like i am a distant relative that gets the cliff notes at Christmas time through a generic newsletter.
...and then, there are so many memories that were never mine-- ones the children's father gets to cherish, or his family, ones that i will never know. my babies were only 4 and 2 when the chaos of it all began. i was only 24 at the time. i was a major wreck for numerous reasons and the pleasure of documenting milestones became tedious and even stressful. they were making milestones outside of me- outside of what was left of a family-- and often i never knew of it, but assumed and imagined the time and place...
regardless of fairness and what ever else of that time- what i DO have is slipping from me and it saddens me because my children are the most amazing thing that God has EVER entrusted me to 'handle'-- and truly had it not been for the grace of them, i may have gone down a much rougher road. as hideous of an attempt my 'practice' marriage was for all parties involved- i'd wake up and do it again and again and again just to have them.
however, i wish for them that things were different- that they NEVER EVER would have to experience the troubles they have, they are, and they will suffer due to their father and i's stupidity-- but that is not how the cards played out. i said 'hit me' when i should have folded... i tested fate- and the dealer won. but if the 'consolation' price is Mini One and Mini Two-- then i'd say i'm the bigger winner.
but its still painful. day in and day out. and over so much time-- its like being haunted from a loved ones ghost; one for whom your love is far greater than any other; but who can not be laid to rest-- so the ache of their absence continues to burn and just at the moment where you can finally feel peace; they appear again, just out of reach, just within your touch.
i didn't intend to be lachrymose [\la-kre-mos\ adj. *1: given to tears or weeping: tearful 2: tending to cause tears: mournful] again- i had hoped for a fun and relaxing evening with my husband as it is long overdue-- but my daughter and i went head to head over and over and over again these last few days-- and it has left me feeling saddened, worried, and ashamed in the girl she is becoming. i thought i had influenced her better than that, that i had shown and taught her that personality and heart and brains come first- appearance and good looks are just a perk. that people are to be loved and cared for and friendships and family are to be treasured-- but she's acting like she's 15 already- from head to 'training bra' to fifteen pairs of shoes for foot. she thinks she knows better than me- she is acting spoiled- she is talking back and being snotty- and quite frankly reminds me often of what might be Violet Beauregarde and Veruca Salt's own 'mini-terror', minus the roly poly blue complexion and demand for golden eggs.
i love her, and i will love her regardless... but i want my sweet little cue-ball, brown-eyed, baby girl back. i want her to think the world of me again, i want her to trust that i know what is best for her, i want her to listen and when in fact she says 'no', not only is it a tad bit cute from those fluffy baby cheeks, but that she doesn't really understand what and why she's saying it. i want her to play house and school and dream to be a nurse, a teacher, a vet, a doctor, the president... not the next Lady GaGa. i want her to feel for those that go without and for her to share when she can. i want her to be thankful for what she has... i know i can't make her be me, and i understand that i am projecting that, that these are things i think are positive traits-- but i would like to like her as well as love her. i want others to too-- not just friends and family but strangers as well... she's sharp as a tack, creative too-- but lost it seems and i DO NOT know what to do. these shouldn't be issues to face at 9 years old.
i have talked calmly and i have talked loudly. i have done much that i won't detail here, for the simple fact i am not looking for advice here otherwise i'd list what i've tried and suggestions could then follow-- i just want it in the universe that i love my baby girl more than i could describe with words (my vocabulary isn't big and beautiful enough)-- but i am sad for how our weekend turned out and that i can't be with her right now, and that perhaps a lot of this stems from her trying to decide and find where she fits in all this chaos- and that ALL of us have expected her (and her brother) to be and act older and bigger than they are; in order for us adults to deal with less trouble and less work... "F- myself."
i wish God worked in favors. i'd do anything, anything at all; from devoting the rest of my life to charity to giving up my life; to know that my kids are gonna be ok-- i know, i know. you want that too for your own. and they deserve that. i hope that they are not experiencing what my kids go through, or God forbid, worse-- i know kids have it worse. i know that all things could be worse. i know that life is tough and it sucks and kids are resilient and they know i love them and this too shall pass and, and, and...
i know that. its another memory i can't replace. life is tough. it is often a bitch-- but it is so full of beauty, and wonder, and light... i just want her to see and feel and know it- i don't want her (or him) (or they) to hurt...
i will digress and intend to follow up with my old brainless quips following this small commercial break.
thank you for listening. tomorrow will come and we will fight a battle, or we will enjoy the day's gifts- and in this we will win or lose; and we treasure or take advantage. all choices- given to us. another opportunity. another day. another hope.
au revoir and bonne chance for another chance.
if in fact it is true that our brains only use a certain percent, then it makes sense that when new information must be stored, old information must be cleaned out. kind of like a coat closet. one can not continue to stuff years and years of coats into that tiny space and expect it to function as a proper coat closet without items wrinkling and flowing out... (apparently, in case you are wondering and/or are worried, this percentage thing is a myth)
but i wish most that i could have a choice in what should be 'replaced'... i certainly do NOT need to know how to beat Super Mario Brothers one, two, and three (including every extra life and warp zone). Although, i am pretty certain i earned a fair amount of 'cool' points from my son when i proved that i could do this still!
Another bit of useless info stored in my grey matter- cartoon and television characters that i watched as early as age 4. What good are these memories? Sure it brings me a little joy in reflection, but for the most part these memories are fairly foggy and the shows are not found on regular television anymore. Remembering each ShirtTale character, the names of the characters on The Facts of Life, or if it was Mr. Smithers posing as the Snow Ghost in the episode of "That's Snow Ghost" of What's New, Scooby Doo? circa 1970. (p.s. i did not see it in 1970-- but on re-run some years later- just do not want to misrepresent my age).
If i could forget the names of most of my classmates that i do not see or speak to and haven't for years. ones that i never had any form of relationship with, or even lyrics to songs that aren't played on the radio anymore (and some probably shouldn't!)...
if i could clear this space- and if i truly only get to use so much of my brain- then perhaps i would not be forgetting the most important memories i think i could have-- my children as babies. talk about tear out my heart. sometimes i have to refer to their baby books or my journals from that time to recall when they took a step, or said a word, or their favorite foods, or their favorite books. sometimes it feels like i am a distant relative that gets the cliff notes at Christmas time through a generic newsletter.
...and then, there are so many memories that were never mine-- ones the children's father gets to cherish, or his family, ones that i will never know. my babies were only 4 and 2 when the chaos of it all began. i was only 24 at the time. i was a major wreck for numerous reasons and the pleasure of documenting milestones became tedious and even stressful. they were making milestones outside of me- outside of what was left of a family-- and often i never knew of it, but assumed and imagined the time and place...
regardless of fairness and what ever else of that time- what i DO have is slipping from me and it saddens me because my children are the most amazing thing that God has EVER entrusted me to 'handle'-- and truly had it not been for the grace of them, i may have gone down a much rougher road. as hideous of an attempt my 'practice' marriage was for all parties involved- i'd wake up and do it again and again and again just to have them.
however, i wish for them that things were different- that they NEVER EVER would have to experience the troubles they have, they are, and they will suffer due to their father and i's stupidity-- but that is not how the cards played out. i said 'hit me' when i should have folded... i tested fate- and the dealer won. but if the 'consolation' price is Mini One and Mini Two-- then i'd say i'm the bigger winner.
but its still painful. day in and day out. and over so much time-- its like being haunted from a loved ones ghost; one for whom your love is far greater than any other; but who can not be laid to rest-- so the ache of their absence continues to burn and just at the moment where you can finally feel peace; they appear again, just out of reach, just within your touch.
i didn't intend to be lachrymose [\la-kre-mos\ adj. *1: given to tears or weeping: tearful 2: tending to cause tears: mournful] again- i had hoped for a fun and relaxing evening with my husband as it is long overdue-- but my daughter and i went head to head over and over and over again these last few days-- and it has left me feeling saddened, worried, and ashamed in the girl she is becoming. i thought i had influenced her better than that, that i had shown and taught her that personality and heart and brains come first- appearance and good looks are just a perk. that people are to be loved and cared for and friendships and family are to be treasured-- but she's acting like she's 15 already- from head to 'training bra' to fifteen pairs of shoes for foot. she thinks she knows better than me- she is acting spoiled- she is talking back and being snotty- and quite frankly reminds me often of what might be Violet Beauregarde and Veruca Salt's own 'mini-terror', minus the roly poly blue complexion and demand for golden eggs.
i love her, and i will love her regardless... but i want my sweet little cue-ball, brown-eyed, baby girl back. i want her to think the world of me again, i want her to trust that i know what is best for her, i want her to listen and when in fact she says 'no', not only is it a tad bit cute from those fluffy baby cheeks, but that she doesn't really understand what and why she's saying it. i want her to play house and school and dream to be a nurse, a teacher, a vet, a doctor, the president... not the next Lady GaGa. i want her to feel for those that go without and for her to share when she can. i want her to be thankful for what she has... i know i can't make her be me, and i understand that i am projecting that, that these are things i think are positive traits-- but i would like to like her as well as love her. i want others to too-- not just friends and family but strangers as well... she's sharp as a tack, creative too-- but lost it seems and i DO NOT know what to do. these shouldn't be issues to face at 9 years old.
i have talked calmly and i have talked loudly. i have done much that i won't detail here, for the simple fact i am not looking for advice here otherwise i'd list what i've tried and suggestions could then follow-- i just want it in the universe that i love my baby girl more than i could describe with words (my vocabulary isn't big and beautiful enough)-- but i am sad for how our weekend turned out and that i can't be with her right now, and that perhaps a lot of this stems from her trying to decide and find where she fits in all this chaos- and that ALL of us have expected her (and her brother) to be and act older and bigger than they are; in order for us adults to deal with less trouble and less work... "F- myself."
i wish God worked in favors. i'd do anything, anything at all; from devoting the rest of my life to charity to giving up my life; to know that my kids are gonna be ok-- i know, i know. you want that too for your own. and they deserve that. i hope that they are not experiencing what my kids go through, or God forbid, worse-- i know kids have it worse. i know that all things could be worse. i know that life is tough and it sucks and kids are resilient and they know i love them and this too shall pass and, and, and...
i know that. its another memory i can't replace. life is tough. it is often a bitch-- but it is so full of beauty, and wonder, and light... i just want her to see and feel and know it- i don't want her (or him) (or they) to hurt...
i will digress and intend to follow up with my old brainless quips following this small commercial break.
thank you for listening. tomorrow will come and we will fight a battle, or we will enjoy the day's gifts- and in this we will win or lose; and we treasure or take advantage. all choices- given to us. another opportunity. another day. another hope.
au revoir and bonne chance for another chance.
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