Perfunctory Hidden Infirmary Room
Reflection:
Fatigued. I feel rather blank at this point. Spent from emotion on lessons and life events coupled with the routine stress of scholastic adventure.
Standing at your hospital bed and seeing you so vulnerable, while suffering terribly from pain and the stresses associated with the unknown and assumable accompaniment of outrageous hospital bills within the discovery; I flashed back within my heart to two years before with one that we lost. I would be lying if I said I had felt strong, or prepared, or brave enough to stand beside those cold bars, and that thin mattress without distress for what might be. I prayed unconsciensly to God to better you absolutely immediatly and for it to be nothing or something small and uneventful. Your pain was mine, your tears I shared, and your fear I felt. Although I was greatly overwhelmed with the work I have to deal with this weekend- I could find myself nowhere else appropriate other than at your side. It felt absolutely necessary- and although my anxiety for lack of control of the situation was consuming- I had to be with you. I had to see it through with you- no matter the outcome. I would follow you into the dark...
i know someone from long ago- technically from the first grade, truth be told; that i actually wasn't close to through most of our growing up. we each fell into different 'groups'; him the popular click and me; well, i was liked by alot of people mostly for my nice personality. well, until summer before sophomore year, when apparently the "Butt Fairy" decided to visit and i suddenly had curves over night. then boys started to notice me too... but really my development is not the focus of this paragraph, and i apologize for the tangent... the point is really that as we are all quite aware- high school is generally an evolvement into some click or another. i will not waste time with stereotypes here- not to mention that due to my terminology i may successfully show my 'age'. for argument sake- let's just say that i was not of the 'popular' click. this classmate i am refering to in this paragraph was. the importance of all of that vomitting is that even though for all this time and all these years that we have not known one another we knew of one another. none of this mattered when he was met with a tragic situation. he is married to his high school sweetheart. they have two young, beautiful kids. she recently found out she has breast cancer. they started treatment. they are going to do a double masectomy to be 'safe'. he posted tonight that they are going in for testing tomorrow because she has had terrible stomach pain for two plus weeks. they are looking at her colon. I know what this means. I have seen it before. I lost my best friend to this as well. I want to be hopeful for him, her, their family. I only feel sorrow. I can not find hope in me. I only feel loss for something still living.
I detest cancer with all my heart. Perhaps if it followed the general routine of say, heartattacks and strokes- where for the most part one could expect that chances of experiencing either of these at a young and fairly healthy age are pretty slim... cancer doesn't work that way. Cancer can come for any one of us at any age. It can attack our breast, lungs, brain, appendix, colon, stomach, bone, esophogus, liver, cervix, prostate, bladder. It can devour us at 26, 23, 43, 32, 95, 75, 54, 19 years of age. It can and will weaken us, scavenge our healthy parts, and break our loved ones hearts. It will make us thankful for 5 minutes of sunshine, honest rest, love, ice cream, no pains, no nausea, no sadness, no worries. It will make us fear every strange pain, every ache that won't go away, and every wait for blood work or test. It leaves widows and widowers, children, mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, and friends to pick up their broken hearts and try to construct some sort of life out of the pieces.
Shiv. i'm sorry, blog friend. i hate to be such a downer. i DO have hope. i just have seen, and can feel a certainty that i would NEVER, EVER share with him-- i want more than nothing to be wrong. i want to be proven that i was waaaaaayyy off in left field- and that she will be a survivor- a positive statistic to this ravage monster's attack. i want her to look back and know that she beat what many do not- i want their family to survive it and come out stronger than ever- i want her to never ever have to hurt again... i wanted all this for my friend; it pains my heart so much, even after so many days have passed... i wanted to 'fix' it- change it, make it go away; like a big, hairy monster under the bed. i couldn't, and i can't.
so i will continue being hopeful. i will continue praying. i will continue with any positive thoughts of affirmation and support. i will do this for them, and you, and for anyone else before me facing this. it is my way to fight this monster- swords and magic words do not work. hope, faith, and love will at least make the fall a little softer if it comes.
Fatigued. I feel rather blank at this point. Spent from emotion on lessons and life events coupled with the routine stress of scholastic adventure.
Standing at your hospital bed and seeing you so vulnerable, while suffering terribly from pain and the stresses associated with the unknown and assumable accompaniment of outrageous hospital bills within the discovery; I flashed back within my heart to two years before with one that we lost. I would be lying if I said I had felt strong, or prepared, or brave enough to stand beside those cold bars, and that thin mattress without distress for what might be. I prayed unconsciensly to God to better you absolutely immediatly and for it to be nothing or something small and uneventful. Your pain was mine, your tears I shared, and your fear I felt. Although I was greatly overwhelmed with the work I have to deal with this weekend- I could find myself nowhere else appropriate other than at your side. It felt absolutely necessary- and although my anxiety for lack of control of the situation was consuming- I had to be with you. I had to see it through with you- no matter the outcome. I would follow you into the dark...
i know someone from long ago- technically from the first grade, truth be told; that i actually wasn't close to through most of our growing up. we each fell into different 'groups'; him the popular click and me; well, i was liked by alot of people mostly for my nice personality. well, until summer before sophomore year, when apparently the "Butt Fairy" decided to visit and i suddenly had curves over night. then boys started to notice me too... but really my development is not the focus of this paragraph, and i apologize for the tangent... the point is really that as we are all quite aware- high school is generally an evolvement into some click or another. i will not waste time with stereotypes here- not to mention that due to my terminology i may successfully show my 'age'. for argument sake- let's just say that i was not of the 'popular' click. this classmate i am refering to in this paragraph was. the importance of all of that vomitting is that even though for all this time and all these years that we have not known one another we knew of one another. none of this mattered when he was met with a tragic situation. he is married to his high school sweetheart. they have two young, beautiful kids. she recently found out she has breast cancer. they started treatment. they are going to do a double masectomy to be 'safe'. he posted tonight that they are going in for testing tomorrow because she has had terrible stomach pain for two plus weeks. they are looking at her colon. I know what this means. I have seen it before. I lost my best friend to this as well. I want to be hopeful for him, her, their family. I only feel sorrow. I can not find hope in me. I only feel loss for something still living.
I detest cancer with all my heart. Perhaps if it followed the general routine of say, heartattacks and strokes- where for the most part one could expect that chances of experiencing either of these at a young and fairly healthy age are pretty slim... cancer doesn't work that way. Cancer can come for any one of us at any age. It can attack our breast, lungs, brain, appendix, colon, stomach, bone, esophogus, liver, cervix, prostate, bladder. It can devour us at 26, 23, 43, 32, 95, 75, 54, 19 years of age. It can and will weaken us, scavenge our healthy parts, and break our loved ones hearts. It will make us thankful for 5 minutes of sunshine, honest rest, love, ice cream, no pains, no nausea, no sadness, no worries. It will make us fear every strange pain, every ache that won't go away, and every wait for blood work or test. It leaves widows and widowers, children, mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, and friends to pick up their broken hearts and try to construct some sort of life out of the pieces.
Shiv. i'm sorry, blog friend. i hate to be such a downer. i DO have hope. i just have seen, and can feel a certainty that i would NEVER, EVER share with him-- i want more than nothing to be wrong. i want to be proven that i was waaaaaayyy off in left field- and that she will be a survivor- a positive statistic to this ravage monster's attack. i want her to look back and know that she beat what many do not- i want their family to survive it and come out stronger than ever- i want her to never ever have to hurt again... i wanted all this for my friend; it pains my heart so much, even after so many days have passed... i wanted to 'fix' it- change it, make it go away; like a big, hairy monster under the bed. i couldn't, and i can't.
so i will continue being hopeful. i will continue praying. i will continue with any positive thoughts of affirmation and support. i will do this for them, and you, and for anyone else before me facing this. it is my way to fight this monster- swords and magic words do not work. hope, faith, and love will at least make the fall a little softer if it comes.
Comments
Post a Comment