Weighted Tea Leaves Speak Uncertainty
It is freezing out. Well, I could not say for certain that the temperature is at freezing... but I am shivering. My fire is dim, my bones are bare. There is an aching and emptiness that is all consuming. Days and nights stumble into one another with dilemas needing resolution and time spinning all too quickly yet my burning moments feel like molasses. I am... lost. I am separated from myself and all that was certain. I feel everything and it is too painful to bare.
A painful acknowledgement that no matter how hard I have worked, and regardless of the benefits, and disregard of that beautifully smoked pipe dream... it is not to be. It can not be. To pursue it would be selfish. I have already been selfish in my pursuit for education. I should have gotten a damn "normal" job years ago and had a steady paycheck. Instead I have accumulated debt, and missed time with my children; if not activities, in stability and sanity. I pushed my husband into a career that may not have been a necessary pursuit if it were not for the need to soley provide for our family.
Save the world? I can't even save myself. I can't keep it together. I can't hold everyone up. I can't do more than just enough unless I give up all the things that I am fighting for in the first place. I can move away and leave the three comprising pieces of my heart in order to pursue a dream that is my own and provide for those that I won't even get to be near. Leave my children behind or push to take them to a strange place. Live separately from my husband or have him abandon his family who desperately need him around. Real fucking awesome. Why in the fucking world did I even entertain this idea-- to make myself sick, to drive myself over the edge, to cry everyday? because there is no way...
dream /drim/ Show Spelled [dreem] Show IPA noun, verb, dreamed or dreamt, dream·ing, adjective
noun 1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep. 2. the sleeping state in which this occurs. 3. an object seen in a dream. 4. an involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake. 5. a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie
I have a soul that came into this body from another life, another time. Poor thing got the shaft, because this body doesn't have the "time" to pursue the dreams the self has envisioned. I am not as strong as you see. This is a facade and it is shattering.
Confirmation. Recognition. Realization. This is mourning I am feeling. This is letting go. I love them that much. I get up for them. I keep going for them. I am because I want to be everything for them. An incredibly huge blessing; true love and the gift of children.
I have his support. To do whatever it is I need to do... but there is more to it all than that. There are others to consider.
"If you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours; if it doesn't it never was." -- Richard Bach
I am not sure how this could come back to me. It is literally and completely time restrictive. This is it. Now or never. Both feet in? Maybe Abby's philosophy is not applicable to all situations. This is different than my thinking before... I felt I wasn't smart enough, strong (physically) enough, man enough... I have seen that is not true, which makes it harder perhaps... I couldn't say. The other drove me to reach all those things, to prove otherwise. Well, I can't prove that I am any more "manlier" than before... but I no longer think my being a woman is a disqualifier. This is different. This is... what it is.
New plan. New goal. New dream. New step. New path.
I will mourn this now and then I will reach acceptance because I know that although I fear the burden of regret, I can not bare the burden of selfishness, of guilt, of harming my loves, of living without them.
The world will have to wait for this soul to be reborn to a younger body, and hopefully it will listen sooner, or have learned from this experience, and choose different steps along the way. It will come to be someday.
For the two who I know read this... I will be ok. I am completely and utterly blessed to have beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving children and an equally remarkable husband; friends who love me for me, and eyes open to a new day. Today is rough. Right now is tough. You know me; I will come out with eyes still fresh, heart open to life's amazing light, and hope for tomorrow.
A painful acknowledgement that no matter how hard I have worked, and regardless of the benefits, and disregard of that beautifully smoked pipe dream... it is not to be. It can not be. To pursue it would be selfish. I have already been selfish in my pursuit for education. I should have gotten a damn "normal" job years ago and had a steady paycheck. Instead I have accumulated debt, and missed time with my children; if not activities, in stability and sanity. I pushed my husband into a career that may not have been a necessary pursuit if it were not for the need to soley provide for our family.
Save the world? I can't even save myself. I can't keep it together. I can't hold everyone up. I can't do more than just enough unless I give up all the things that I am fighting for in the first place. I can move away and leave the three comprising pieces of my heart in order to pursue a dream that is my own and provide for those that I won't even get to be near. Leave my children behind or push to take them to a strange place. Live separately from my husband or have him abandon his family who desperately need him around. Real fucking awesome. Why in the fucking world did I even entertain this idea-- to make myself sick, to drive myself over the edge, to cry everyday? because there is no way...
dream /drim/ Show Spelled [dreem] Show IPA noun, verb, dreamed or dreamt, dream·ing, adjective
noun 1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep. 2. the sleeping state in which this occurs. 3. an object seen in a dream. 4. an involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake. 5. a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie
I have a soul that came into this body from another life, another time. Poor thing got the shaft, because this body doesn't have the "time" to pursue the dreams the self has envisioned. I am not as strong as you see. This is a facade and it is shattering.
Confirmation. Recognition. Realization. This is mourning I am feeling. This is letting go. I love them that much. I get up for them. I keep going for them. I am because I want to be everything for them. An incredibly huge blessing; true love and the gift of children.
I have his support. To do whatever it is I need to do... but there is more to it all than that. There are others to consider.
"If you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours; if it doesn't it never was." -- Richard Bach
I am not sure how this could come back to me. It is literally and completely time restrictive. This is it. Now or never. Both feet in? Maybe Abby's philosophy is not applicable to all situations. This is different than my thinking before... I felt I wasn't smart enough, strong (physically) enough, man enough... I have seen that is not true, which makes it harder perhaps... I couldn't say. The other drove me to reach all those things, to prove otherwise. Well, I can't prove that I am any more "manlier" than before... but I no longer think my being a woman is a disqualifier. This is different. This is... what it is.
New plan. New goal. New dream. New step. New path.
I will mourn this now and then I will reach acceptance because I know that although I fear the burden of regret, I can not bare the burden of selfishness, of guilt, of harming my loves, of living without them.
The world will have to wait for this soul to be reborn to a younger body, and hopefully it will listen sooner, or have learned from this experience, and choose different steps along the way. It will come to be someday.
For the two who I know read this... I will be ok. I am completely and utterly blessed to have beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving children and an equally remarkable husband; friends who love me for me, and eyes open to a new day. Today is rough. Right now is tough. You know me; I will come out with eyes still fresh, heart open to life's amazing light, and hope for tomorrow.
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