He who Can't Cut the Mustard is Between a Rock and a Hard Place and is running Against the Clock

Well, well, well... we meet again.

It seems I always find myself back here. A need to speak to no one in particular or to no body at all but yet everyone or anyone that finds themselves here. 

Let's see. I graduated in December with my Masters. I went the very quick route; no thesis and 12 credit hours a semester. I completed it as I intended although interestingly enough, accolades are not given for grades as they are in undergraduate studies. I have to remind myself that more than just an extra title or 'award' received, I wanted to the scores for me. Somewhere along my life's journey, I have collectively grouped all the voices that said 'I couldn't' into a faceless and terrifying entity that sits squarely on my shoulders. It holds in one hand a direct line to my subconsciousness and in the other a recorded, looped message doubting my abilities. Its claws hold tightly and I fear I'll never be able to shake it off of me. 

I vaguely remember a line from Stuart Smalley, I believe it was. "I'm smart, I'm funny, and dammit, people like me"... well actually, now that I verify my information, it actually went: "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, & Doggone It, People Like Me!" and it was the name of his book. But, I think combined, it is a good start for fighting the Doubt that holds me tightly in fear. 

Speaking of Doubt. I feel it when I can't find the right words to describe something or explain myself or discuss a topic, or when my darling asks me a question that I should know easily but I have to think hard, and even review his text before hesitantly giving my answer. I feel it when I apply for job after job after job and bet that I am STILL not qualified enough. I wish having a Masters degree truly meant you were now a Master. Kind of the same expectation I would have for graduating from an intense Ninja Academy or arduous Spy School. I am sure when you graduate from Wizard Training- you know more than What's Wart and Who's Who in Villianry. Ok, ok, fine. Those are all unlikely institutions or careers-- but... the application in my mind is relatable. I had hoped to come out a Master- but instead I feel frightened. And if I can not get my feet wet soon and start applying all that hard-earned education; I fear it maybe all for naught. Dramatic? Maybe a little. I am frustrated. 

In myself. I went left when I should have went right. Choices, choices, choices. There is not a handbook for this life. We make our choices based off of others- those we respect- and in some ways, those that we have no respect for. (those that know me closely will understand this best) We ask around, we do research, we squeeze our eyes closed and hope for the best. We have no idea how our future path is forged or planned or intended until the future is present and all those previous steps will have led us to follow or choose anew. This leads us to desperately impart this wisdom upon our youth in hopes they will make their choice to go left earlier and not later. Later does not mean that it can not be done-- but later generally means the road is so much bumpier. Difficult. Tiring. Frustrating. Consuming. But as life works the way it does, the youth are not ready to hear about the future- because their future is the next minute. Right now. 

So, for now, living vicariously through them, I hope for my next opportunity; my next life. It is frowned upon others who share conformable religious beliefs as me; but my beliefs are also very spiritual based; and I do not think that it is as simple as everyone would like to neatly wrap it in a single tome. That is for another journaling- my point to the paragraph (other than incredibly long sentences and inappropriate punctuation); I believe that I will go to heaven, nirvana, Zion, bliss; when I have completed all the tasks that have been formerly set for me. Until then, I will complete this one when it is time, I will be reborn to hopefully have learned and grown to be a wiser me-- that may make better choices earlier, and set my path for absoluteness. My final end. Basically, I speak of a form of reincarnation. But I believe in the Higher power that set my tasks and set me free to follow them. However, the entity doesn't give a handbook and doesn't answer questions, and doesn't return my emails... but the answers are eventually there.