Iced Vanilla Coffee with Extra Splash of Heavy Cream served with side of anxiety
Its been a long time, my old friend. So long, I am not certain that I still have the capacity to pen the way I once did. Story-like and somewhat jovial in our struggles and still quite hopeful for the future to be different from the melodramatic somewhat overwhelming hell we have experienced over and over; year after year.
But since that time (i know you should not start with 'but' but I'm gonna anyway); I think I have changed a lot from who I was once or who I once was. I have felt this fluctuation, deformation, rectification coming for some time and it seems there was no way to prevent its inception. I was told, or more aptly put; warned that this would happen and the transformation of what I knew my life to be was inevitable.
It is impossible not to expect as much. I went from a mindset of carrying an imagined world upon my worried shoulders; to actually carrying the responsibility of doing right by an entire community, as well as one of the largest institutions in America (the world?)-- not to mention (but actually mentioning right now) having every sneeze to butt scratch examined by society the moment I raised my right hand. A society that often conveniently forgets that under this vest and association; I was born a human and a human I remain. I am fallible. I get angry. I have prejudices. I am tired.
You are fallible, too. Even with all your good intentions and objectivity and justice for all attitude- if you decided today to swear before a judge with your right hand raised, agreeing to uphold state law and protect thy fellow human- you would make mistakes. Generally speaking, those of us committed to this life choice, do our best to limit our mistakes as well as hedge the severity of such whenever possible. The problem is, a split second event occurring from a split second choice of a fellow human citizen or even a fellow human constable; can alter existence exponentially and irreparably for any of the aforementioned partakers.
Once the decision is made to accept this great responsibility; the identity of the person preexisting the pledge begins to diminish. Should this individual be in an accident, criminal or civil involvement, or other news worthy event- the headline will announce the occupation foremost and contrary to merely identifying the individual as a fellow human. Opinions on life and society must be contained professionally and personally; to carefully avoid befouling the individuals organization by association. Friends and associates begin to refer to you by your profession upon arrival at social functions, often announcing your presence and occupation loudly to the room, "Look out guys! The cops are here!!" as they laugh wildly at their cleverness- unaware and unconcerned about the accidental dehumanizing effect as well as potentially increasing incidents with other patrons who may not be "cop friendly".
This occupation does not just come with the weight of upholding the law (all state and municipal) safely and with the least amount of physical undertaking needed to complete an action- REGARDLESS of how the other may respond verbally and even physically at times. Seeing and feeling the sorrow and pain of victims and their loved ones on their worst days- without letting it change you negatively or severely- even though witnessing this over and over and over again will generally do one of two things: make you hard and jaded or eat you up so intensely that it causes negative coping skills and/or absolute necessary career change.
Wait. Did I mention the helplessness? Not agreeing with an action due to the circumstances of the situation- either feeling the response should be more or less severe than what law requires and being able to do nothing about it-- not even voicing the dissent. Not being able to convince a woman who is repeatedly beaten by her husband, that there are services for her and her children so she no longer has to endure his emotional and physical abuse-and that eventually she will be 'okay'. Not being able to restore the trust or remove the fear and shame of a young lady who trusted a friend and became subject to their self-serving, malice driven forced fornication. Not being able to provide suitable solutions to the alcoholic or drug dependent teenager, middle aged, or elderly adult who routinely and unintentionally interpose themselves to police contact. Not having more options for family services, therapy, treatment, financial aid, housing, rehab, and education for those suffering each and every day.
Back to the change of the individuals self and spirit; being witness to the worst of the human condition day in and out, during the worst of weather, for long hours with low pay while feeling helpless and extremely pressured to be perfect; the individuals family continues to live. Birthdays, holidays, school plays, accidents, illnesses, first steps, first dates- all subject to absence. Often times causes grief, resentment, anger, sadness, and more helplessness by the individual as well as their spouse (and children).
But society expects that the moment a person puts on their uniform and badge and handcuffs and service pistol and all the other weighted tools potentially needed at any moment's time- that they will be exact but compassionate, strict but considerate, objective but empathetic, intelligent but down-to-earth, know all the laws but only uphold them when absolutely required for the greater good; not be too tired, too angry, too feely, too opinionated, too human... oh wait. Not too cop. Too human is expected. Even though in order to be "too human" that means with error and feelings, and thoughts and preconceived notions, and families and troubles, and mistakes and uncertainties. It means learning that the world is terribly troubled and the ants milling about here and there are focused on themselves, are often filled with acid, and are not working toward the greater good- only self-preservation. It means knowing all of that and willing to do the job again and again and again with the best attitude, the best opportunity, the best mind, the best heart that one can muster REGARDLESS of knowing all the above.
I get what society expects. I do not like most of it. Some of it may be Promethean and implausible to obtain. I do believe that being an officer is an honorable, noble, heroic job that not everyone is fit to do and may not be fit to do it for always. I do believe that as an officer- the expectation for humility, nobility, strength, intelligence, and hope should be higher than the barista serving this iced coffee, or the banker, or the tax accountant, or the mechanic. Although ALL humans should do their job with humility, nobility, strength, intelligence and hope. We would be better as humans if we did.
But since that time (i know you should not start with 'but' but I'm gonna anyway); I think I have changed a lot from who I was once or who I once was. I have felt this fluctuation, deformation, rectification coming for some time and it seems there was no way to prevent its inception. I was told, or more aptly put; warned that this would happen and the transformation of what I knew my life to be was inevitable.
It is impossible not to expect as much. I went from a mindset of carrying an imagined world upon my worried shoulders; to actually carrying the responsibility of doing right by an entire community, as well as one of the largest institutions in America (the world?)-- not to mention (but actually mentioning right now) having every sneeze to butt scratch examined by society the moment I raised my right hand. A society that often conveniently forgets that under this vest and association; I was born a human and a human I remain. I am fallible. I get angry. I have prejudices. I am tired.
You are fallible, too. Even with all your good intentions and objectivity and justice for all attitude- if you decided today to swear before a judge with your right hand raised, agreeing to uphold state law and protect thy fellow human- you would make mistakes. Generally speaking, those of us committed to this life choice, do our best to limit our mistakes as well as hedge the severity of such whenever possible. The problem is, a split second event occurring from a split second choice of a fellow human citizen or even a fellow human constable; can alter existence exponentially and irreparably for any of the aforementioned partakers.
Once the decision is made to accept this great responsibility; the identity of the person preexisting the pledge begins to diminish. Should this individual be in an accident, criminal or civil involvement, or other news worthy event- the headline will announce the occupation foremost and contrary to merely identifying the individual as a fellow human. Opinions on life and society must be contained professionally and personally; to carefully avoid befouling the individuals organization by association. Friends and associates begin to refer to you by your profession upon arrival at social functions, often announcing your presence and occupation loudly to the room, "Look out guys! The cops are here!!" as they laugh wildly at their cleverness- unaware and unconcerned about the accidental dehumanizing effect as well as potentially increasing incidents with other patrons who may not be "cop friendly".
This occupation does not just come with the weight of upholding the law (all state and municipal) safely and with the least amount of physical undertaking needed to complete an action- REGARDLESS of how the other may respond verbally and even physically at times. Seeing and feeling the sorrow and pain of victims and their loved ones on their worst days- without letting it change you negatively or severely- even though witnessing this over and over and over again will generally do one of two things: make you hard and jaded or eat you up so intensely that it causes negative coping skills and/or absolute necessary career change.
Wait. Did I mention the helplessness? Not agreeing with an action due to the circumstances of the situation- either feeling the response should be more or less severe than what law requires and being able to do nothing about it-- not even voicing the dissent. Not being able to convince a woman who is repeatedly beaten by her husband, that there are services for her and her children so she no longer has to endure his emotional and physical abuse-and that eventually she will be 'okay'. Not being able to restore the trust or remove the fear and shame of a young lady who trusted a friend and became subject to their self-serving, malice driven forced fornication. Not being able to provide suitable solutions to the alcoholic or drug dependent teenager, middle aged, or elderly adult who routinely and unintentionally interpose themselves to police contact. Not having more options for family services, therapy, treatment, financial aid, housing, rehab, and education for those suffering each and every day.
Back to the change of the individuals self and spirit; being witness to the worst of the human condition day in and out, during the worst of weather, for long hours with low pay while feeling helpless and extremely pressured to be perfect; the individuals family continues to live. Birthdays, holidays, school plays, accidents, illnesses, first steps, first dates- all subject to absence. Often times causes grief, resentment, anger, sadness, and more helplessness by the individual as well as their spouse (and children).
But society expects that the moment a person puts on their uniform and badge and handcuffs and service pistol and all the other weighted tools potentially needed at any moment's time- that they will be exact but compassionate, strict but considerate, objective but empathetic, intelligent but down-to-earth, know all the laws but only uphold them when absolutely required for the greater good; not be too tired, too angry, too feely, too opinionated, too human... oh wait. Not too cop. Too human is expected. Even though in order to be "too human" that means with error and feelings, and thoughts and preconceived notions, and families and troubles, and mistakes and uncertainties. It means learning that the world is terribly troubled and the ants milling about here and there are focused on themselves, are often filled with acid, and are not working toward the greater good- only self-preservation. It means knowing all of that and willing to do the job again and again and again with the best attitude, the best opportunity, the best mind, the best heart that one can muster REGARDLESS of knowing all the above.
I get what society expects. I do not like most of it. Some of it may be Promethean and implausible to obtain. I do believe that being an officer is an honorable, noble, heroic job that not everyone is fit to do and may not be fit to do it for always. I do believe that as an officer- the expectation for humility, nobility, strength, intelligence, and hope should be higher than the barista serving this iced coffee, or the banker, or the tax accountant, or the mechanic. Although ALL humans should do their job with humility, nobility, strength, intelligence and hope. We would be better as humans if we did.
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