Splendiferous Conventionality

What is going on with me? I am out of control. I don't know if you have ever experienced Divine Intervention, or a "calling" -- a true, spiritual calling to do something greater than what you'd been doing previous to this interaction with Fate's salesman. It is overwhelming. It is all consuming. It is smothering. It is painful, and it is joyous. I have felt this one other time before. I was working in a nursing home as a receptionist. We had an in service regarding Hospice- and the nurse giving the meeting was simply explaining some of the procedures and some of the facilities available and some of the reasons why people choose Hospice- when I noticed that I was softly bawling. (if bawling can ever be considered 'soft'). I didn't know why- I wasn't currently involved with someone going through this stage of their life- I had lost people before, but not in a manner similar to this that might strike those chords-- what was the deal? I've always b...

God grant me the serenity... ... I've said this prayer a thousand times. I suppose it has worked although most days it doesn't feel like I have been given much serenity. It is my own fault. I do not pray well for help. I should have all these years. All this time. It may have helped. Perhaps I would have taken a different road than I have. But I suppose its a little late for 'what ifs'... right? I haven't felt this way in a long long time and it is so greatly disappointing to know that I am here again. But it is in fact different. The person of times ago was never anything more than a bearer (of sorts) for my children... things are not the same. This can not bear me a child. I will gain no fruit from this. It was just a shot in the dark for something greater than what I had ever hoped or expected- and it seems to be something that should have waited... some times you can go through life and after many a experience thinking I know more than what I knew before -- but ...