Splendiferous Conventionality

What I want to write about, I can't let out just yet. So maybe, I will just paint a picture. First, we can just automatically include all the unfun, disquieting experiences of adulthood. The bills, the jobs, the bills, having no money, the chores, house maintenance. Getting up early, morning traffic, co-workers, bosses, paycheck deductibles, taxes, afternoon traffic. (or for those that have to work non-traditional shifts; different times getting up and going to bed). Ok, I think that covers some very basic adult type responsibilities that most people over the age of 20 (younger for some, older for others) can relate to. I think we can all agree the aforementioned are a pain in the Sitzfleisch. But to some degree ( or all of them ), we accept it as "it is what it is" and we dismally hear often, "welcome to adulthood". I read something today about how we work the majority of our lives, retirement is not until 67 (for social security benefits), and the average lif...

It is Sunday evening and daylight savings time has allowed the sun to still shine brilliantly through our abundant living room windows. The couch and my rear-end congregate quickly and smoothly like long lost lovers reuniting. Over the last several months, I have created a human imprint in this space. It has been a combination of ennui and debility, crashing like colossal waves; over and over and over again. Think of those scorching summer days at the city pool. From opening to close. Swimming, laying out, swimming, snacking, and swimming some more until the pool closed. You were starved, sun kissed, and sun drained; and that overwhelming urge to grab forty winks took over your body. It has been like that, but without the fun, exercise, and vitamin D. There have been snacks, however. I have Hoovered an abundance of sucrose and salted treats; desperately seeking the dopamine. I have tried every marshmallowly sweetmeat I can find (thank Chuck for cotton candy peeps) and binge watched...

It is freezing out. Well, I could not say for certain that the temperature is at  freezing... but I am shivering. My fire is dim, my bones are bare. There is an aching and emptiness that is all consuming. Days and nights stumble into one another with dilemas needing resolution and time spinning all too quickly yet my burning moments feel like molasses. I am... lost. I am separated from myself and all that was certain. I feel everything and it is too painful to bare. A painful acknowledgement that no matter how hard I have worked, and regardless of the benefits, and disregard of that beautifully smoked pipe dream... it is not to be. It can not be. To pursue it would be selfish. I have already been selfish in my pursuit for education. I should have gotten a damn "normal" job years ago and had a steady paycheck. Instead I have accumulated debt, and missed time with my children; if not activities, in stability and sanity. I pushed my husband into a career that may not have been...

Well, here it is, almost two months since my last post. It has been quite an adventure thus far but I think ( unless I have completely gone off ) that I am maintaining better than I expected. Although in the last week and as the time draws near-- I find myself to be melancholy and terribly lost without my love by my side... It is an interesting process... this growth, this becoming. I had hoped it might be a little smoother, a little easier, a little less painful. In retrospect, I should expect as much as my life stories have generally followed that blueprint. Slightly difficult and generally complicated- almost always requiring a Plan B ( and sometimes, Plan C, Plan D, and multiple trips to the 'ol drawing board ). I think though, this and all of those stories before had a purpose I couldn't have predicted until more pieces of the bigger picture were presented. One thing that I thought I had already discovered was the human condition of loneliness and aching. I have experi...

I'm not sure I can do this. Well, I can do this-- typing and vomiting of words; but I am not sure that it will be worth the energy spent or your time to read it. Maybe you'll read that first line and agree and click the button for "next blog". Don't worry... I won't be offended. I might do the same. Or, I might be curious and keep reading. Either way- it's cool. (That's the chamomile talking. It's mellow.) There's really so much to say- but I don't really know where to start. I haven't written in so long and life has not slowed to catch up with my blogging negligence. The semester is almost over. I took on another 19hrs (stupidly I might add) as well as executive board on two organizations; bi-monthly volunteering for a very important non-profit, and chairperson for a community event that will hopefully occur next April. Needless to say it's no wonder the semester is over- I've barely had a moment to "see" it- its ...

i can't write now, although i want to. i feel the devil knocking on my door, breathing down my neck; with his hot, fervent breath making the hairs on my neck singe. "you can't do this. you're not strong enough. you're no different than anyone else, what makes you so special?" why i would bother to even entertain his thoughts, i do not know. maybe i am not strong enough... why can't i beat him away? oh, yeah... that's right; because through all of me that makes me 'magical' and hopeful; i am also considerably practical. blame it on my education, training; shiv... i bet we could chalk up a good percentage to life... i bust bust bust but i'm not knocking down any doors... i'm barely making dents in the walls. all that i do and exert energy for are all wonderful, meaningful things for life and life only... these are not career associations. i've never even held a job in the area that i am wanting to end up in-- not to mention,...

there is a block. a square. a square block-- aren't most blocks square ?-- sitting between my shoulders. fascinating to me that this could occur with so much swirling around about the air between my ears. i have books to aid in these kind of things- but i just feel stubborn and do not want someone 'telling' me what to write. (sheesh) i have seen or heard many things lately that are certainly worthy of 'penning' but yet i can't. perhaps i can but haven't. i want to write something different. perhaps i can not because i have math (logic=letters) and a literature novel "A Little Yellow Dog" all running through my mind instead- keeping me free from creativity but rather focused on school as needed. hungry for semester to end but yet it is had made my stomach ache. when it ends, it will begin again. all that i have worked for will no longer be on the back burner, it will be moved up to the front and the temperature cranked. i have the map in front of m...

my memory is failing me. if in fact it is true that our brains only use a certain percent, then it makes sense that when new information must be stored, old information must be cleaned out. kind of like a coat closet. one can not continue to stuff years and years of coats into that tiny space and expect it to function as a proper coat closet without items wrinkling and flowing out... ( apparently, in case you are wondering and/or are worried, this percentage thing is a myth ) but i wish most that i could have a choice in what should be 'replaced'... i certainly do NOT need to know how to beat Super Mario Brothers one, two, and three (including every extra life and warp zone). Although, i am pretty certain i earned a fair amount of 'cool' points from my son when i proved that i could do this still! Another bit of useless info stored in my grey matter- cartoon and television characters that i watched as early as age 4. What good are these memories? Sure it brings me...