Splendiferous Conventionality

Its been a long time, my old friend. So long, I am not certain that I still have the capacity to pen the way I once did. Story-like and somewhat jovial in our struggles and still quite hopeful for the future to be different from the melodramatic somewhat overwhelming hell we have experienced over and over; year after year.  But since that time (i know you should not start with 'but' but I'm gonna anyway); I think I have changed a lot from who I was once or who I once was. I have felt this fluctuation, deformation, rectification coming for some time and it seems there was no way to prevent its inception. I was told, or more aptly put; warned that this would happen and the transformation of what I knew my life to be was inevitable.  It is impossible not to expect as much. I went from a mindset of carrying an imagined world upon my worried shoulders; to actually carrying the responsibility of doing right by an entire community, as well as one of the largest institutions i...

It is freezing out. Well, I could not say for certain that the temperature is at  freezing... but I am shivering. My fire is dim, my bones are bare. There is an aching and emptiness that is all consuming. Days and nights stumble into one another with dilemas needing resolution and time spinning all too quickly yet my burning moments feel like molasses. I am... lost. I am separated from myself and all that was certain. I feel everything and it is too painful to bare. A painful acknowledgement that no matter how hard I have worked, and regardless of the benefits, and disregard of that beautifully smoked pipe dream... it is not to be. It can not be. To pursue it would be selfish. I have already been selfish in my pursuit for education. I should have gotten a damn "normal" job years ago and had a steady paycheck. Instead I have accumulated debt, and missed time with my children; if not activities, in stability and sanity. I pushed my husband into a career that may not have been...