Splendiferous Conventionality

Origin of BELOVED: Middle English, from past participle of beloven to love, from be- + loven to love First Known Use: 14th century. Words escape me. I have you on my mind all day long... over and over running through my mind, even when I am dreaming. The moment I sit down to express it. The words escape me. He is the warm breeze that glances off my shoulders and whispers as it blows through my hair, circling around me, I feel the comforts of home and I feel safe. He is the light that illuminates my path leading my way, and on the dreariest and darkest of days, he is my sunshine. He is the carrier of my heart, and wherever he goes, it goes with him...  

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air…" --Ralph Waldo Emerson "Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can." --Ralph Waldo Emerson "He who is in love is wise and is becoming wiser, sees newly every time he looks at the object beloved, drawing from it with his eyes and his mind those virtues which it possesses." --Ralph Waldo Emerson, Address on The Method of Nature, 1841 Monk was right. Emerson is great. These are my 'thoughts' that I cannot seem to put together.Words escape me tonight but I feel like having my fingers to keys or pen to paper... I miss him so much. Not just missing someone to help with dishes, or stand by and listen to my complaints and cheers of the day, or someone to handle the biz so I don't have to... its something like nothing else... I miss his smile, his touch, his laughter, his voice, the way he holds my hand, opens the door for me, pulls out my seat, lets me pick the movi...

Well, here it is, almost two months since my last post. It has been quite an adventure thus far but I think ( unless I have completely gone off ) that I am maintaining better than I expected. Although in the last week and as the time draws near-- I find myself to be melancholy and terribly lost without my love by my side... It is an interesting process... this growth, this becoming. I had hoped it might be a little smoother, a little easier, a little less painful. In retrospect, I should expect as much as my life stories have generally followed that blueprint. Slightly difficult and generally complicated- almost always requiring a Plan B ( and sometimes, Plan C, Plan D, and multiple trips to the 'ol drawing board ). I think though, this and all of those stories before had a purpose I couldn't have predicted until more pieces of the bigger picture were presented. One thing that I thought I had already discovered was the human condition of loneliness and aching. I have experi...

In case you were curious; yes, indeed, this does suck. I should elaborate or clarify that every waking moment doesn't suck-- but many (and sometimes, most) of them do. Chicken pot pie. A perfect meal for an individual. A. Uh. One. Not intended for sharing. Actually, I don't know if I've consistently ever eaten alone.... I tried to reflect on the time spent in my tiny one bedroom duplex that sheltered me after a major upset and I don't think I really ate much. If I did, I am sure it was very tiny and enough to sustain. Unless I am with good company, I find eating to be a chore. Do not take this moment to make judgments about my size- that is not the only reason I am thin. "God made me this way" as well. Not only that, but both of my birth parents are slender people. I don't mind the actual act of eating when the food is tasty, the right temperature, affordable priced, and good company to wash it down with... but minus any of those things and it just feel...

Well today was one for the books. I am actually unsure what to type. I am surrounded by love but I feel so alone. If anyone questioned my loyalty, faith, or monogamy to my husband than I challenge them as I can attest that it should never be a concern. I have never loved anyone more that I didn't bare from my own womb. I have never trusted anyone as much. I have never felt as proud as I do for him. I miss him so much and its just been a few hours. I miss him so much that I half convinced myself that this was just a dream. I miss him so much that although I am enveloped in support and love by our dear friends and family; I feel alone without him near. Nothing seems as good, clear, or beautiful without him. My laughter feels empty, my arms heavy; the day and its required duties are just that, required. FUNction... not really so much fun... Of course, I have a rational brain regardless of my heartache. He will return. This is not forever. He is doing a good thing. A serv...

I'm not sure I can do this. Well, I can do this-- typing and vomiting of words; but I am not sure that it will be worth the energy spent or your time to read it. Maybe you'll read that first line and agree and click the button for "next blog". Don't worry... I won't be offended. I might do the same. Or, I might be curious and keep reading. Either way- it's cool. (That's the chamomile talking. It's mellow.) There's really so much to say- but I don't really know where to start. I haven't written in so long and life has not slowed to catch up with my blogging negligence. The semester is almost over. I took on another 19hrs (stupidly I might add) as well as executive board on two organizations; bi-monthly volunteering for a very important non-profit, and chairperson for a community event that will hopefully occur next April. Needless to say it's no wonder the semester is over- I've barely had a moment to "see" it- its ...

A series of unfortunate events have followed me through these last two weeks or so- and although the pessimistic side of me is nipping at my ankles to turn my back on life, love, and hope; the optimistic and realistic sides have paired together to kick Miss Pess I. Mistic to the curb so the whole can function as best as possible under the current strains and circumstances. Once I outline them you may say to yourself- 'shiv. I've heard worse. hell, I've been through worse.'-- well, I say to you, kudos for surviving it and I wish for all involved your strength and perseverance. [ I have had worse moments as well-- but regardless of all my experience, some days are just flippin' harder to deal with than others ] I'd like to take the opportunity to preface this ( one of my pet peeves actually ) by saying one or two of these events may not be so hard to prevail with a reasonable sense of sanity-- all of these combined have worn a tired girl thinner. My daughter...