Splendiferous Conventionality

It is freezing out. Well, I could not say for certain that the temperature is at  freezing... but I am shivering. My fire is dim, my bones are bare. There is an aching and emptiness that is all consuming. Days and nights stumble into one another with dilemas needing resolution and time spinning all too quickly yet my burning moments feel like molasses. I am... lost. I am separated from myself and all that was certain. I feel everything and it is too painful to bare. A painful acknowledgement that no matter how hard I have worked, and regardless of the benefits, and disregard of that beautifully smoked pipe dream... it is not to be. It can not be. To pursue it would be selfish. I have already been selfish in my pursuit for education. I should have gotten a damn "normal" job years ago and had a steady paycheck. Instead I have accumulated debt, and missed time with my children; if not activities, in stability and sanity. I pushed my husband into a career that may not have been...

How fascinating! I settled in on the couch late last night deciding I would "allow" myself a night of nothingness. I was watching a 2-disc documentary DVD of serial killers. Perhaps I am one of only a few mothers in America who can simultaneously listen to such gory material and carry out normal, menial tasks such as quilting or folding laundry, and not be bothered per se . The material is gruesome and tragic-- I recognize that... but I am fascinated by what makes these people killers in comparison to the rest of us non-killers. I wrapped up in a fuzzy fleece hug as red as a berry as the dog curled up at my feet and the cat nestled in my lap. Not long after stretching out, I realized an invisible string must be strung from my toes to my eyelids. The more stretching I did, the more comfortable I became, the harder it was to keep my eyes open. I dozed off during an episode about the "Profile of a Killer".... ...the first time I woke was due to the baking of myse...

I find it fascinating that when I choose to sit here with this open and in front of me- I find myself with nothing to say. Contrarily, when I am driving, walking to work or class, or laying in bed at night trying to rest my head from a long day-- many thoughts and ideas worth documenting (in my opinion) race about, bleeding into one another, and are lost again for another day. I am upset right now because I am lacking control over a situation that affects me in a certain way that I can not easily explain. I see in someone the capacity to make great changes in this putrid world we live in. I see in him the ability to reach people through example, through sacrifice, through laughter and music. This person has been illuminating our world for 32 years and mine for eight. With him and because of him, my life has changed. Oh, people say that kind of thing all the time and often rather flippantly-- but I say it with complete truth. He forgave me for my luggage, he accepted me with my im...

This will may be a more extensive 'vomitting' than posts past, not because I have had too much turkey, pie, or eggnog (or all of the above), but because there was a lot fit into these 15 hours I have been awake. The day began with what sounded like a rooster bobbing for apples as it crowed or maybe that it was hung upside down as it announced the new day approaching. I thought I had dreamed it or it was working its way through the ventilation system from the first floor television. Either way, the cock-a-doodle doo did it's duty and I peeled open my eyes. I reached beside the bed to check the time and realized the youngest had already made her way from the land of nod to cartoons and coloring books. I was less eager to put my feet on the floor as it had only been a few wee hours since I laid my head on the pillow for rest. I texted (amazing this word is not understood by my T9 (which is done through text)) my lovely husband who sadly (yet fantastically) is away for the f...