Splendiferous Conventionality

uncertainty at its finest. do not know, cannot speculate. should not assume. life changing potential. may not be, may be. waiting... waiting... waiting... twelve days. i wish i could turn off my brain. thought that i was unaffected. a tiny voice in the back of my mind tries to speak louder... i shush it, shoosh little voice; what do you know? i wait - a person who does not know me, who does not know how i have felt, what i have been through; will discover an unknown terror or a simple explanation-- and they will not be loyal to me, they will not hug me in response to my tears; tears of sadness or tears of joy-- they will not call me or send me a card to say sunny days, they will have no attachment other than another... so wait i will, and God willing, i will turn off my mind if for only a few hours at a time... and either way, i will be ok.

i should be doing nothing else but filling my brain with a ridiculous amount of sociology terms in preparation for tomorrow's test-- but quite frankly, i'm ready for the school year to be over and my brain has fastly stopped participating in regular school activities; mostly studying but especially retaining. i really really want to be involved mentally-- but alas, 4 1/2 months and almost 19 hrs later, i am tired. April was the busiest month i have seen in some time, and it looks as if May may be jealous of the attention i gave it; so it is playing copycat and i sit here and wonder when i may see some reprieve. [am i the only one who when seeing words spelled with an ie or ei in the middle, look it over and quietly say "i before e except after c"?-- ok, i figured. just me.] i'll make it- the semester is almost over. two weeks i think and i'll be off (of school) until fall. i should take summer classes, but i just refuse. i'm eager beaver when it comes to s...

I should not be writing. I should be sawing some sort of log, or counting some sort of fluffy farm animal jumping fences, or be floating through the air in a cloud car on my way to Care-A-Lot... but I often do not do what is best for me. That time will come I suppose. I am in take-care-of-them mode. Them is broad and nondescript. Them  may be the kids, the neighbors, a sick friend, a recipient of my snail mail correspondence, homework, volunteering, organizations, housework, yard work, my husband... the cat. I am OK with this- it is my body and brain that are having a hard time adjusting. Sheesh. You'd think they'd know the drill by now. I mean really. I've only been doing it this way for the majority of my existence. I suppose I am getting better at it now-- at least I am healthier about it, and the people or items I am taking care of are healthier as well. It has been so long since I have really been careless with myself that it seems eons ago... and other than it m...

there is a block. a square. a square block-- aren't most blocks square ?-- sitting between my shoulders. fascinating to me that this could occur with so much swirling around about the air between my ears. i have books to aid in these kind of things- but i just feel stubborn and do not want someone 'telling' me what to write. (sheesh) i have seen or heard many things lately that are certainly worthy of 'penning' but yet i can't. perhaps i can but haven't. i want to write something different. perhaps i can not because i have math (logic=letters) and a literature novel "A Little Yellow Dog" all running through my mind instead- keeping me free from creativity but rather focused on school as needed. hungry for semester to end but yet it is had made my stomach ache. when it ends, it will begin again. all that i have worked for will no longer be on the back burner, it will be moved up to the front and the temperature cranked. i have the map in front of m...

my memory is failing me. if in fact it is true that our brains only use a certain percent, then it makes sense that when new information must be stored, old information must be cleaned out. kind of like a coat closet. one can not continue to stuff years and years of coats into that tiny space and expect it to function as a proper coat closet without items wrinkling and flowing out... ( apparently, in case you are wondering and/or are worried, this percentage thing is a myth ) but i wish most that i could have a choice in what should be 'replaced'... i certainly do NOT need to know how to beat Super Mario Brothers one, two, and three (including every extra life and warp zone). Although, i am pretty certain i earned a fair amount of 'cool' points from my son when i proved that i could do this still! Another bit of useless info stored in my grey matter- cartoon and television characters that i watched as early as age 4. What good are these memories? Sure it brings me...

Reflection: Fatigued. I feel rather blank at this point. Spent from emotion on lessons and life events coupled with the routine stress of scholastic adventure. Standing at your hospital bed and seeing you so vulnerable, while suffering terribly from pain and the stresses associated with the unknown and assumable accompaniment of outrageous hospital bills within the discovery; I flashed back within my heart to two years before with one that we lost. I would be lying if I said I had felt strong, or prepared, or brave enough to stand beside those cold bars, and that thin mattress without distress for what might be. I prayed unconsciensly to God to better you absolutely immediatly and for it to be nothing or something small and uneventful. Your pain was mine, your tears I shared, and your fear I felt. Although I was greatly overwhelmed with the work I have to deal with this weekend- I could find myself nowhere else appropriate other than at your side. It felt absolutely necessary- ...

"It all depends on how we look at things, and not on how things are in themselves. The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it ." ~Carl Jung