Splendiferous Conventionality

Well today was one for the books. I am actually unsure what to type. I am surrounded by love but I feel so alone. If anyone questioned my loyalty, faith, or monogamy to my husband than I challenge them as I can attest that it should never be a concern. I have never loved anyone more that I didn't bare from my own womb. I have never trusted anyone as much. I have never felt as proud as I do for him. I miss him so much and its just been a few hours. I miss him so much that I half convinced myself that this was just a dream. I miss him so much that although I am enveloped in support and love by our dear friends and family; I feel alone without him near. Nothing seems as good, clear, or beautiful without him. My laughter feels empty, my arms heavy; the day and its required duties are just that, required. FUNction... not really so much fun... Of course, I have a rational brain regardless of my heartache. He will return. This is not forever. He is doing a good thing. A serv...

I'm not sure I can do this. Well, I can do this-- typing and vomiting of words; but I am not sure that it will be worth the energy spent or your time to read it. Maybe you'll read that first line and agree and click the button for "next blog". Don't worry... I won't be offended. I might do the same. Or, I might be curious and keep reading. Either way- it's cool. (That's the chamomile talking. It's mellow.) There's really so much to say- but I don't really know where to start. I haven't written in so long and life has not slowed to catch up with my blogging negligence. The semester is almost over. I took on another 19hrs (stupidly I might add) as well as executive board on two organizations; bi-monthly volunteering for a very important non-profit, and chairperson for a community event that will hopefully occur next April. Needless to say it's no wonder the semester is over- I've barely had a moment to "see" it- its ...

i can't write now, although i want to. i feel the devil knocking on my door, breathing down my neck; with his hot, fervent breath making the hairs on my neck singe. "you can't do this. you're not strong enough. you're no different than anyone else, what makes you so special?" why i would bother to even entertain his thoughts, i do not know. maybe i am not strong enough... why can't i beat him away? oh, yeah... that's right; because through all of me that makes me 'magical' and hopeful; i am also considerably practical. blame it on my education, training; shiv... i bet we could chalk up a good percentage to life... i bust bust bust but i'm not knocking down any doors... i'm barely making dents in the walls. all that i do and exert energy for are all wonderful, meaningful things for life and life only... these are not career associations. i've never even held a job in the area that i am wanting to end up in-- not to mention,...

I am annoyed. I am assuming it is due to my current health status, which I will try to be as vague as possible ; #1 being that I don't know much, and #2 it's just really too much information for the general and wide open public. I know that I am a mom, and in some circles that seems to 'entitle' them to share their spilt milk and bm scheduling mishaps; but honey, that ain't me. I am only here momentarily. Thought I'd give the ol' blog an update, and spit out a few words to keep the keyboard dusted. I'm in a sad state of affairs as far as mental statuses go, so I intend to keep this short. There's enough bs in the world (just turn on the 10 o'clock news)-- no sense in reading more melancholy mayhem here. I turned 32 yesterday. Next to 1983, it was probably the least awesome birthday ever. In 1983, my dad was supposed to take me to the circus. It was to be my first time ever. Instead, Kansas decided it'd be cute to not only have one, but TW...

uncertainty at its finest. do not know, cannot speculate. should not assume. life changing potential. may not be, may be. waiting... waiting... waiting... twelve days. i wish i could turn off my brain. thought that i was unaffected. a tiny voice in the back of my mind tries to speak louder... i shush it, shoosh little voice; what do you know? i wait - a person who does not know me, who does not know how i have felt, what i have been through; will discover an unknown terror or a simple explanation-- and they will not be loyal to me, they will not hug me in response to my tears; tears of sadness or tears of joy-- they will not call me or send me a card to say sunny days, they will have no attachment other than another... so wait i will, and God willing, i will turn off my mind if for only a few hours at a time... and either way, i will be ok.

i should be doing nothing else but filling my brain with a ridiculous amount of sociology terms in preparation for tomorrow's test-- but quite frankly, i'm ready for the school year to be over and my brain has fastly stopped participating in regular school activities; mostly studying but especially retaining. i really really want to be involved mentally-- but alas, 4 1/2 months and almost 19 hrs later, i am tired. April was the busiest month i have seen in some time, and it looks as if May may be jealous of the attention i gave it; so it is playing copycat and i sit here and wonder when i may see some reprieve. [am i the only one who when seeing words spelled with an ie or ei in the middle, look it over and quietly say "i before e except after c"?-- ok, i figured. just me.] i'll make it- the semester is almost over. two weeks i think and i'll be off (of school) until fall. i should take summer classes, but i just refuse. i'm eager beaver when it comes to s...

I should not be writing. I should be sawing some sort of log, or counting some sort of fluffy farm animal jumping fences, or be floating through the air in a cloud car on my way to Care-A-Lot... but I often do not do what is best for me. That time will come I suppose. I am in take-care-of-them mode. Them is broad and nondescript. Them  may be the kids, the neighbors, a sick friend, a recipient of my snail mail correspondence, homework, volunteering, organizations, housework, yard work, my husband... the cat. I am OK with this- it is my body and brain that are having a hard time adjusting. Sheesh. You'd think they'd know the drill by now. I mean really. I've only been doing it this way for the majority of my existence. I suppose I am getting better at it now-- at least I am healthier about it, and the people or items I am taking care of are healthier as well. It has been so long since I have really been careless with myself that it seems eons ago... and other than it m...