Splendiferous Conventionality

Well, well, well... we meet again. It seems I always find myself back here. A need to speak to no one in particular or to no body at all but yet everyone or anyone that finds themselves here.  Let's see. I graduated in December with my Masters. I went the very quick route; no thesis and 12 credit hours a semester. I completed it as I intended although interestingly enough, accolades are not given for grades as they are in undergraduate studies. I have to remind myself that more than just an extra title or 'award' received, I wanted to the scores for me. Somewhere along my life's journey, I have collectively grouped all the voices that said 'I couldn't' into a faceless and terrifying entity that sits squarely on my shoulders. It holds in one hand a direct line to my subconsciousness and in the other a recorded, looped message doubting my abilities. Its claws hold tightly and I fear I'll never be able to shake it off of me.  I vaguely remember a line...

to begin, i am betting that this will be a vomiting and not in the eloquent sense that i am hoping for. my best friend started blogging the other day and i was reminded that this was a place i used to come to that i could unhinge and let go of all that which sat in my skull stewing all day. i had abandoned it (originally due to a hectic schedule- but eventually out of laziness i'd guess), and put it to the side of 'want to's' like reading for fun, quilting, learning a new trade, travel, gardening, etc... but what an amazing opportunity  this is that i have let slip by... when my daily expression of thought is based off of recitals and memorization or commands and requests and chatting to teenagers, spouse, and animals-- why wouldn't i come to this place of free thought and dumping of those other thoughts that begin before i am even awake and end... well, never i hope. [think or sink] so i thank you Ruby, for your continued inspiration you bestow upon me and i ...

Origin of BELOVED: Middle English, from past participle of beloven to love, from be- + loven to love First Known Use: 14th century. Words escape me. I have you on my mind all day long... over and over running through my mind, even when I am dreaming. The moment I sit down to express it. The words escape me. He is the warm breeze that glances off my shoulders and whispers as it blows through my hair, circling around me, I feel the comforts of home and I feel safe. He is the light that illuminates my path leading my way, and on the dreariest and darkest of days, he is my sunshine. He is the carrier of my heart, and wherever he goes, it goes with him...  

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air…" --Ralph Waldo Emerson "Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can." --Ralph Waldo Emerson "He who is in love is wise and is becoming wiser, sees newly every time he looks at the object beloved, drawing from it with his eyes and his mind those virtues which it possesses." --Ralph Waldo Emerson, Address on The Method of Nature, 1841 Monk was right. Emerson is great. These are my 'thoughts' that I cannot seem to put together.Words escape me tonight but I feel like having my fingers to keys or pen to paper... I miss him so much. Not just missing someone to help with dishes, or stand by and listen to my complaints and cheers of the day, or someone to handle the biz so I don't have to... its something like nothing else... I miss his smile, his touch, his laughter, his voice, the way he holds my hand, opens the door for me, pulls out my seat, lets me pick the movi...

It is freezing out. Well, I could not say for certain that the temperature is at  freezing... but I am shivering. My fire is dim, my bones are bare. There is an aching and emptiness that is all consuming. Days and nights stumble into one another with dilemas needing resolution and time spinning all too quickly yet my burning moments feel like molasses. I am... lost. I am separated from myself and all that was certain. I feel everything and it is too painful to bare. A painful acknowledgement that no matter how hard I have worked, and regardless of the benefits, and disregard of that beautifully smoked pipe dream... it is not to be. It can not be. To pursue it would be selfish. I have already been selfish in my pursuit for education. I should have gotten a damn "normal" job years ago and had a steady paycheck. Instead I have accumulated debt, and missed time with my children; if not activities, in stability and sanity. I pushed my husband into a career that may not have been...

How fascinating! I settled in on the couch late last night deciding I would "allow" myself a night of nothingness. I was watching a 2-disc documentary DVD of serial killers. Perhaps I am one of only a few mothers in America who can simultaneously listen to such gory material and carry out normal, menial tasks such as quilting or folding laundry, and not be bothered per se . The material is gruesome and tragic-- I recognize that... but I am fascinated by what makes these people killers in comparison to the rest of us non-killers. I wrapped up in a fuzzy fleece hug as red as a berry as the dog curled up at my feet and the cat nestled in my lap. Not long after stretching out, I realized an invisible string must be strung from my toes to my eyelids. The more stretching I did, the more comfortable I became, the harder it was to keep my eyes open. I dozed off during an episode about the "Profile of a Killer".... ...the first time I woke was due to the baking of myse...

I find it fascinating that when I choose to sit here with this open and in front of me- I find myself with nothing to say. Contrarily, when I am driving, walking to work or class, or laying in bed at night trying to rest my head from a long day-- many thoughts and ideas worth documenting (in my opinion) race about, bleeding into one another, and are lost again for another day. I am upset right now because I am lacking control over a situation that affects me in a certain way that I can not easily explain. I see in someone the capacity to make great changes in this putrid world we live in. I see in him the ability to reach people through example, through sacrifice, through laughter and music. This person has been illuminating our world for 32 years and mine for eight. With him and because of him, my life has changed. Oh, people say that kind of thing all the time and often rather flippantly-- but I say it with complete truth. He forgave me for my luggage, he accepted me with my im...