Possibly Not Really Maybe

Just a few lines. "Write just a few lines everyday." Sometimes having the ability to write 'just a few lines' requires the same energy to do just 10 more sit ups when your stomach muscles are already screaming at you from the 30 the day before. My brain works in a similar fashion. I have done too many 'crunches' and it is tired at this point. It is easier to make up or rationalize a reason not to write [hence using my brain]-- then to just do a few lines.

Is this laziness? Is this disassociation? Is this denial? Is this fair? I am not the only one working hard. You might be someone who is working hard too. Maybe your best friend, your spouse, your parent are also working their asses off- and possibly walking the thin and shaky line of sanity and 'lost my gottdam mind'... I am not gloating, boasting, whining, [well, a little on the latter]; or inducting myself into the Martyr of the Year Hall of Fame-- I guess I am just reminding myself that I am working hard, that it WILL be worth it, and that if I am not completing all that I need to [especially within friendships]- that it is not out of 'want' but more out of able- or capable...

My mother gave me permission to be happy today. I do not think most of you would understand this unusual statement-- unless you know who I am. You really know me? It made a huge weight fall of my shoulders and shatter onto the floor-- one that I hope to never piece back together. I feel guilty about feeling happy. I feel guilty to be so in love. I feel guilty to have things so wonderful. I am so fortunate, so blessed; that through all, and by God, I mean all... things I have a beautiful family, an amazing spouse, wonderful friends, a job, a home, education, faith, hope, and the future.... some days are harder to put one foot in front of the other; but through the blessings I just mentioned; I can and WILL do it... even when they are cursing me for doing 10 too many squats, or my brain is empty from too many hours spent awake studying or planning, or my heart is heavy from worrying/loving/caring for as many people as I can.

I never want the sunshine to be lifted out of my smile- I never want the hope to be dimmed- I want to encourage others and be an example- and some day be described as 'vibrant' or 'vivacious', 'open and loving', 'funny', 'a light in the room'... I may not be those things yet- but I hope to be those things some day... although I imagine I will be expecting more from myself; even then.

Thank you to you who are there for me. With admiration and love, M

Comments

  1. AnonymousMay 6, 2009 at 10:02 PM

    I really feel honored that you are letting me read these nuggets of goodness that you are writing. Every time I read your words, I feel a whole range of emotions and all of them make me more fond of you! xoxo -Rachel

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Apology & Acceptance: Part I

"It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one's heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize." --Stephen R Covey "Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves- regret for the past and fear of the future." --Fulton Oursler Regretfully, this blog shall remain bones as I can not give it meat today. My brain is empty, a block sits on my neck- merely sitting pretty instead of being functional and useful... perhaps there is too much I am expecting out of it right now- after all, I only have two sides; a left and right... part of its usage requires general functionality- breathing, heart beating, blood running, eyes blinking, and other 'biologies'- and then work, school, future planning, friends, family, housework, etc... so I guess that there isn't enough free space available. Memory full. I apologize- p
Read more

Skin Itches

What's the use? I shall not exceed any one's expectations, or excel above you or they... ...my whole life has been an 'average'... not drop dead gorgeous, not a genius, not a talented superstar, not an admirable athlete, not an undeniable funny man... just an average-pretty fairly-smart funny gal... B-O-R-I-N-G I was going to take up fencing for this entire reason. I don't know a single person who fences. How exciting would that be? and in conversations- imagine your surprise when you ask; "And what do you do in your spare time?"- I could then say, with total modesty and complete nonchalance; "Oh me? I fence. It's really no big deal; I just took it up for fun really; but I am going to France this summer for the championship. It's rather exciting." And then you would be like- "What? That is exciting. I don't know a single person who fences. You are unique." ... I guess that is what it boils down to. Being unique. Unlike an
Read more

Narnia Sociology Charleston Chews

i should be doing nothing else but filling my brain with a ridiculous amount of sociology terms in preparation for tomorrow's test-- but quite frankly, i'm ready for the school year to be over and my brain has fastly stopped participating in regular school activities; mostly studying but especially retaining. i really really want to be involved mentally-- but alas, 4 1/2 months and almost 19 hrs later, i am tired. April was the busiest month i have seen in some time, and it looks as if May may be jealous of the attention i gave it; so it is playing copycat and i sit here and wonder when i may see some reprieve. [am i the only one who when seeing words spelled with an ie or ei in the middle, look it over and quietly say "i before e except after c"?-- ok, i figured. just me.] i'll make it- the semester is almost over. two weeks i think and i'll be off (of school) until fall. i should take summer classes, but i just refuse. i'm eager beaver when it comes to s
Read more