strength
God grant me the serenity...
... I've said this prayer a thousand times. I suppose it has worked although most days it doesn't feel like I have been given much serenity. It is my own fault. I do not pray well for help. I should have all these years. All this time. It may have helped. Perhaps I would have taken a different road than I have. But I suppose its a little late for 'what ifs'... right?
I haven't felt this way in a long long time and it is so greatly disappointing to know that I am here again. But it is in fact different. The person of times ago was never anything more than a bearer (of sorts) for my children... things are not the same. This can not bear me a child. I will gain no fruit from this. It was just a shot in the dark for something greater than what I had ever hoped or expected- and it seems to be something that should have waited... some times you can go through life and after many a experience thinking I know more than what I knew before-- but then it comes to fruition that I didn't know anything more than I knew before. It is all a trick. Life is a trick. It makes you think that you might be doing right- then you realize there isn't a right.
I... am tired.
... I've said this prayer a thousand times. I suppose it has worked although most days it doesn't feel like I have been given much serenity. It is my own fault. I do not pray well for help. I should have all these years. All this time. It may have helped. Perhaps I would have taken a different road than I have. But I suppose its a little late for 'what ifs'... right?
I haven't felt this way in a long long time and it is so greatly disappointing to know that I am here again. But it is in fact different. The person of times ago was never anything more than a bearer (of sorts) for my children... things are not the same. This can not bear me a child. I will gain no fruit from this. It was just a shot in the dark for something greater than what I had ever hoped or expected- and it seems to be something that should have waited... some times you can go through life and after many a experience thinking I know more than what I knew before-- but then it comes to fruition that I didn't know anything more than I knew before. It is all a trick. Life is a trick. It makes you think that you might be doing right- then you realize there isn't a right.
I... am tired.