Inside this bubble, i can see but i am safe...
i see something we all face. at some point or another. i mean some may successful surpass this issue as an elementary student, middle schooler, high schooler, or even in college. some may attack and succeed in this fight as a younger adult... but some and most continue to suffer with this need to please, a need to be accepted, a want to be the best, but to be appreciated for who they really are- and who are we all kidding? when do we actually figure out who that person is?? probably well into one's sixties if we're lucky- but that my friends in my sincerest observations is entirely dependant on who were thought we were in our 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s. i can't tell you how many 'adults' i have met who said they wish they would have... followed dream A, B, or C... or all. Perhaps those that have found that 'ok-ness' within themselves never stopped following their dreams. Maybe when someone tried to stop them in the beginning- telling them it "was foolish", "too hard", or "not normal"; they threw up the proverbial middle and said "i do what i want" and this acceptance and stand led all those unsure feelings to fade into the night? but maybe not. i also never several people who have followed what dreamed and yet still feel uncertain about their path, their place; and themselves.
i have lived a life on fear. i was afraid of my father. (am still) i was afraid of God. was afraid of not being cool enough, or funny enough, or pretty enough to meet some unspoken standard that seemed to be as clear as the lines that divided each click. the funny thing about all of that- is even though i feared i did not fit in and was 'not enough'; i never really conformed to what seemed to be the 'in'. i still behaved as myself. as me. *Nora. i had friends in all groups; here or there. all ages. i had my closest friends whom i grew up with- and may i say am thankful that i kept them in spite of all the spats, gossip, drama we had way back then. they were and are worth it. they are solid. i was afraid of spiders. afraid of getting caught. afraid of sex. afraid of drinking, or trying drugs. afraid to skip school. afraid to not do my homework. afraid to find my mother; afraid to live without her. afraid of driving fast. afraid of not wearing a seat belt. afraid to try for something i was unsure of because i was afraid to fail. afraid to love- in fear of losing it; although i tried several times, mostly with those who were merely interested in how i might look on their arm.
but through all this fear- and almost every time, i found a way to walk through the dark. i fell in love, and yes; it was most times lost. i learned from it. even a pre-doomed marriage at the tender age of 19 taught me lessons of the type of woman, lover, friend, and wife i wanted and needed to be. unfortunately those lessons came after 5 yrs of half and half and ultimately in a horrid, gruesome divorce. i may have forgotten to mention that i tend to learn lessons the hardest of ways. but i am getting better at that too. i did drink and did drugs and luckily for the most part kept that to a certain time in my life that was fairly short lived and when it was just me to look after. i still don't really drive fast- maybe five over, although in a controlled area i would really love it. i always wear my seat belt. i am still afraid of my father. i no longer fear God, but respect Him and the idea of Him. i am less afraid of the dark- although it wasn't the dark as much as what might be in it that i feared. my son's interest in spiders led my fear to be almost nothing. my friend's struggle for her life and eventually her passing made me to respect life's time and fear death a little less. i found adult friends who accepted me, or who were a lot like me. i found a man who taught me it was okay to love myself again, to love him, and to trust. i have children who show me the true beauty of life, love and God.
but i am still working on acceptance- i suppose that most who know me, and some of you who read this will know best, that it is my own personal acceptance that i have not met-- well, that's not entirely true. i have met 'my own personal acceptance'; but we are not really on a first name basis yet- we are just 'acquaintances' of one another and have not really become very close yet. i would, however, really like to get to know them.
*names changed to protect the not so innocent*
i have lived a life on fear. i was afraid of my father. (am still) i was afraid of God. was afraid of not being cool enough, or funny enough, or pretty enough to meet some unspoken standard that seemed to be as clear as the lines that divided each click. the funny thing about all of that- is even though i feared i did not fit in and was 'not enough'; i never really conformed to what seemed to be the 'in'. i still behaved as myself. as me. *Nora. i had friends in all groups; here or there. all ages. i had my closest friends whom i grew up with- and may i say am thankful that i kept them in spite of all the spats, gossip, drama we had way back then. they were and are worth it. they are solid. i was afraid of spiders. afraid of getting caught. afraid of sex. afraid of drinking, or trying drugs. afraid to skip school. afraid to not do my homework. afraid to find my mother; afraid to live without her. afraid of driving fast. afraid of not wearing a seat belt. afraid to try for something i was unsure of because i was afraid to fail. afraid to love- in fear of losing it; although i tried several times, mostly with those who were merely interested in how i might look on their arm.
but through all this fear- and almost every time, i found a way to walk through the dark. i fell in love, and yes; it was most times lost. i learned from it. even a pre-doomed marriage at the tender age of 19 taught me lessons of the type of woman, lover, friend, and wife i wanted and needed to be. unfortunately those lessons came after 5 yrs of half and half and ultimately in a horrid, gruesome divorce. i may have forgotten to mention that i tend to learn lessons the hardest of ways. but i am getting better at that too. i did drink and did drugs and luckily for the most part kept that to a certain time in my life that was fairly short lived and when it was just me to look after. i still don't really drive fast- maybe five over, although in a controlled area i would really love it. i always wear my seat belt. i am still afraid of my father. i no longer fear God, but respect Him and the idea of Him. i am less afraid of the dark- although it wasn't the dark as much as what might be in it that i feared. my son's interest in spiders led my fear to be almost nothing. my friend's struggle for her life and eventually her passing made me to respect life's time and fear death a little less. i found adult friends who accepted me, or who were a lot like me. i found a man who taught me it was okay to love myself again, to love him, and to trust. i have children who show me the true beauty of life, love and God.
but i am still working on acceptance- i suppose that most who know me, and some of you who read this will know best, that it is my own personal acceptance that i have not met-- well, that's not entirely true. i have met 'my own personal acceptance'; but we are not really on a first name basis yet- we are just 'acquaintances' of one another and have not really become very close yet. i would, however, really like to get to know them.
*names changed to protect the not so innocent*
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