Prognosticate Playwright

a faithless nation,

a sick abomination,

human infected,

lost without direction,

without hope; a lost generation

i was a cradle Catholic. as far as i know, on my father's side- our entire family has been Catholic. i knew nothing else- did not understand or know much about other denominations. i heard their names; Protestant, Baptist, Episcopal, Lutheran, Methodist, and within the last 10 years, Muslim. but i knew little about what their 'faith' encompassed. i knew: baptised at birth, First Reconciliation, Holy Communion, Confirmation; and well, there are others that follow, but i did not complete them. i knew going to Confession on Sundays, praying the Rosary, Saints, Lent, long weddings, long funerals, and long masses of standing, kneeling, sitting, repeat. this education that i received from a very young age planted a seed that has blossomed into the faith i have today- and although i am no longer a practicing Catholic- i respect and relish in the reverence i have and still feel walking into a Catholic church. there were several circumstances that led me to 'leave' this following- but as i have tried to explain to the staunch Catholics in my family- this is not an insult, or a spit in any one's face- i want them to understand that my faith in God is stronger than ever, and i feel more in touch, and more affected than i ever have. and that brings me to my point-- we are at a point in human existence that if you are not following a path the way that others have followed before you- than you in fact, are not in the right of God, and regardless of your behavior, or heart's intentions; less you be damned for all eternity. i don't think that even my grandfather would say this to me; but have i felt this from the disappointment in his eyes when i told him i wasn't going to be married in the church, or when i expressed my wish to be cremated, or from my great-aunt when i acknowledged (with great fear) that i was no longer a practicing Catholic. did they even pause to ask what and where my faith stood- or how i came to this position- or acknowledge that clearly although our paths were different from one another that we were heading in the same direction? no. did this lead me away from God? no. did this lead me away from being open with my heart to those who i thought might know me better than strangers? yes. so, what do i believe? i believe in good over evil. i believe righting those that we have wronged. i believe in justice. i believe in human error, and therefore humans are not qualified to judge one another. i believe in giving love and receiving love. i believe in looking out for ones neighbor. i believe that each day is a gift, and each situation is a lesson. i believe that we are here to better one another, ourselves, the earth- but that most of us are looking out for number one instead. i believe that God is disappointed in us for what humans do in His name. i believe that in the end, God looks into our hearts and knows where we stand; but that this does not entitle us to run amok while we are living. we do make mistakes. He has accounted us for that- but in those mistakes, there were lessons, and His expectation is for us to learn from them, and to teach others about them. i believe that God has faith in us, even when we don't have faith in Him. i believe that believing in something intangible is often difficult. i believe that humans often twist 'the word' to suit themselves. but if in fact 'the word' was written by humans, then we have to expect human error might exist within it.

human existence is estimated to be around 200,000 years. Christianity has been around for 2010 years. that is 197,990 years without. for all of the years that Christianity has existed; humans have judged, ostracized, pillaged, bombed, and killed in the name of God. some question whether Christianity was developed by man to keep order; to the truest extent of "have the fear of God". whether god was made as an all knowing babysitter, or we truly came to be by evolution from an amoeba, or God decided to make us within His image so that we could inhabit the earth and according to Revelation 4:11, for "His pleasure"... i choose not to determine the whys or hows or details and the spectacle of it all-- i choose simply to have faith in something greater than myself, something more amazing than science and facts, and hope for a place where i will see my loved ones that have gone before me-- a place without judgement, a place without fear, a place without sadness, a place without pain, a place without aging, a place without hate...

i do not judge you for not believing the same as i. i do not pity you, or hold it against you- i wish for you the comfort that i feel in knowing that God is in my heart, is directing me, helping me, holding me-- because when it comes down to brass tacks- sometimes that's all i've got; and if it keeps me hopeful, faithful, truthful, spiritual, and loving to lead a greater life than i think that is beautiful.

the moment it all came clear to me, is the moment i heard my son's heartbeat for the first time. i realized right then- that my existence and my mission was an important one-- my faith was extended when months later, he was handed to me from the womb. and my faith was concreted as i have watched him (and his sister) grow to be the amazing little humans they are today. many things have occurred in my life that would cause me to question; "why?" and "how could God..." fill in the blank-- but that's why they call it that: faith.

(1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust

this ended up to be more rambling then i intended. i wanted it to be graceful, and prophetic, and intellectual, and... many other things-- but i wrote from my heart (as instructed by someone dearest to me)-- and all that is left is trust in what i feel to be true.