Coalesce Requests
The guitar strums behind me. I can hear occasionally notes that were once taught to me, but that I did not have the patience to follow through with. It alters between the moody and meloncholy to the upbeat riff of an Irish drinking shanty- to one being played that is ironic for the current situation. Tonight it's our way of speaking about what needs to be said but without any words. I guess I will settle for the company and although the elephant in the room is certainly taking up more than its fair share-- I have to succumb to not having control over it.
I have seen many forms of love. I have love for my children. For my family. For my friends. For my cat. For humanity. The love I have for my husband is so incredibly different than any of these, but yet it encompasses these. However, out of all of these loves that we have for all these different people (or animals)-- the one that seems to be the most difficult to maintain healthily- is the love for our spouse or significant other. We do not see other children and think to replace our own- no matter how pretty or well-behaved the Smiths' children might be. We do not look at our mother's and father's and not love them because they don't sufficiently surprise us on birthdays or Valentines day. We don't throw our friends out for newer, perkier, more youthful models. We don't even stop loving humanity when it seems as if it has stopped loving us (and themselves).
But this happens frequently within relationships. Grass is greener on the otherside, its an urge, I don't like how you hang the clothes, I'm unhappy, you hold me back, you push me too much, you don't treat yourself well, you have an addiction, you have an affliction, you are broken, you are depressed, you are ugly, you are fat, you are... excuses. We make excuses to defend our laziness in the effort to try to make a commitment work. If I may interject myself and say that I fully and completly understand that there are situations where it just won't work-- but when do you start waving the white flag? Do you throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble?
Another thing we often do, may be less out of laziness and more out of fear (especially those of us who are nonconfrontational)- we just ignore. We placate. Constantly sweeping the serious issues under the rug in fear of rocking the boat. We feel that it is impossible to live without this person, so we find a way to 'deal', to 'make do'; all the while what makes us, us dies a little- until really there isn't much to us 5, 10, 20 years down the road. Then when it is finally too much for one or the other party- its over- and now we do not even know who we are, other than wounded.
Often another tendency is to 'settle' for someone, usually someone who suits us for the moment; not necessarily someone befitting for the future. At nineteen, we are different than who we are at twenty-five, than who we are at thirty, than we are at fifty and so on. Rarely at nineteen (or even sometimes at thirty) do we know who we are; let alone what we might want and need in a mate ideal for life. We look for the bad boy, the party girl, the money maker, the athlete, the musician, the prep-- whatever suits us during that time. We can't see past our noses to see into our hearts and brains for the future. So we settle down with this 'at-the-moment' loverly-- and find ourselves in five years or so down the road, miserable after realizing the party boy has depleted our bank accounts, sleeps in, and plays video games all day instead of having any aspirations to better themselves or the growing family we now find ourselves caring for. Or we do not realize that the goal orientated money maker isn't interested in family gatherings, school performances, and dinners together at the table. They are in the office from 8:00 am until 8:00 pm. We see them in passing, and the loneliness grows.
We might not love ourselves, which makes it hard to find someone who loves us well. We are drawn mystically to those who will abuse us, and remind us daily why we shouldn't love ourselves. We find these people to be like crack for our souls- and regardless of the consequences they have on our mental and physical state; we can not walk away from it.
I just realized how long this blog could actually go on-- so I will look back now and try to summarize and send you off with some form of closure for now--
I have seen many forms of love. I have love for my children. For my family. For my friends. For my cat. For humanity. The love I have for my husband is so incredibly different than any of these, but yet it encompasses these. However, out of all of these loves that we have for all these different people (or animals)-- the one that seems to be the most difficult to maintain healthily- is the love for our spouse or significant other. We do not see other children and think to replace our own- no matter how pretty or well-behaved the Smiths' children might be. We do not look at our mother's and father's and not love them because they don't sufficiently surprise us on birthdays or Valentines day. We don't throw our friends out for newer, perkier, more youthful models. We don't even stop loving humanity when it seems as if it has stopped loving us (and themselves).
But this happens frequently within relationships. Grass is greener on the otherside, its an urge, I don't like how you hang the clothes, I'm unhappy, you hold me back, you push me too much, you don't treat yourself well, you have an addiction, you have an affliction, you are broken, you are depressed, you are ugly, you are fat, you are... excuses. We make excuses to defend our laziness in the effort to try to make a commitment work. If I may interject myself and say that I fully and completly understand that there are situations where it just won't work-- but when do you start waving the white flag? Do you throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble?
Another thing we often do, may be less out of laziness and more out of fear (especially those of us who are nonconfrontational)- we just ignore. We placate. Constantly sweeping the serious issues under the rug in fear of rocking the boat. We feel that it is impossible to live without this person, so we find a way to 'deal', to 'make do'; all the while what makes us, us dies a little- until really there isn't much to us 5, 10, 20 years down the road. Then when it is finally too much for one or the other party- its over- and now we do not even know who we are, other than wounded.
Often another tendency is to 'settle' for someone, usually someone who suits us for the moment; not necessarily someone befitting for the future. At nineteen, we are different than who we are at twenty-five, than who we are at thirty, than we are at fifty and so on. Rarely at nineteen (or even sometimes at thirty) do we know who we are; let alone what we might want and need in a mate ideal for life. We look for the bad boy, the party girl, the money maker, the athlete, the musician, the prep-- whatever suits us during that time. We can't see past our noses to see into our hearts and brains for the future. So we settle down with this 'at-the-moment' loverly-- and find ourselves in five years or so down the road, miserable after realizing the party boy has depleted our bank accounts, sleeps in, and plays video games all day instead of having any aspirations to better themselves or the growing family we now find ourselves caring for. Or we do not realize that the goal orientated money maker isn't interested in family gatherings, school performances, and dinners together at the table. They are in the office from 8:00 am until 8:00 pm. We see them in passing, and the loneliness grows.
We might not love ourselves, which makes it hard to find someone who loves us well. We are drawn mystically to those who will abuse us, and remind us daily why we shouldn't love ourselves. We find these people to be like crack for our souls- and regardless of the consequences they have on our mental and physical state; we can not walk away from it.
I just realized how long this blog could actually go on-- so I will look back now and try to summarize and send you off with some form of closure for now--
- The grass may appear to be greener- but it is still just grass. Learn to have pride and love for your own 'yard'. It is yours. You earned it. It was given to you to take care of. If in fact, you cannot deny your want or envy of the neighbor's yard- then sell your house first. Do not think you can live in your house, and stay the night somewhere else when it suits you. Do not throw the white flag at the first sign of distress- do not make excuses for why it doesn't work. Find out how and if you can make it work.
- Love, marriage, relationships are another job. The payoff is good. The work is sometimes difficult. The employees sometimes do not get along. But there is no sense passing out pink slips the first time you witness insubordination. A meeting must be called. A calm (as possible) discussion must be made to see what can give and what can be compromised and what can not- and what and how will the parties deal with that revelation.
- Soul search. Constantly. Get to know your potential mate inside and out preferably BEFORE you commit completely. If it is 'too late' and you find yourself having 'settled' - get to know your mate inside and out and find what endearing qualities they have that you can hold on to. How terrible are the ones you don't like? Can you compromise? If not- see step #2.
- Love yourself. At the beginning. You need to love yourself to be a good person, good son or daughter, good friend, and certainly a good spouse. This may require therapy, faith, a spiritual conquest, an artistic outlet, education, good friends--- only you know for sure, and one or more of these may be necessary to find it. IF you have not loved yourself for some time, or have found yourself to be a victim of abuse- understand this process may be long. Do not confuse conceit with love for yourself. I find it to be more of acceptance and hope to be. Acceptance of who you are now- and hope to be something even more.
"Nobody ever said it would be easy, just that it'd be worth it."
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