Splendiferous Conventionality

There are...no words. Not really of course. There are lots of words. Just none formed into a sentence that best describe 2023. Heartsickness. Despair. Despondent. Exhaustion. Frustration. Debilitating.

What I want to write about, I can't let out just yet. So maybe, I will just paint a picture. First, we can just automatically include all the unfun, disquieting experiences of adulthood. The bills, the jobs, the bills, having no money, the chores, house maintenance. Getting up early, morning traffic, co-workers, bosses, paycheck deductibles, taxes, afternoon traffic. (or for those that have to work non-traditional shifts; different times getting up and going to bed). Ok, I think that covers some very basic adult type responsibilities that most people over the age of 20 (younger for some, older for others) can relate to. I think we can all agree the aforementioned are a pain in the Sitzfleisch. But to some degree ( or all of them ), we accept it as "it is what it is" and we dismally hear often, "welcome to adulthood". I read something today about how we work the majority of our lives, retirement is not until 67 (for social security benefits), and the average lif...

01/25/2010 its possible that i am not using that term correctly. its the word of the day for tomorrow actually... i think somehow its a clever usuage... potentially (something may become, actual, or possible) noetic (relating to, or based on the intellect) vomitting (a term coined to categorize this type of writing). although i am also listening to The Hound of Baskervilles by the great Sir Arthur Conan Doyle while doing this- and with his great descriptions of the moor and the Baskerville estate- i may not be able to fullfil the adjective noted in my title. there was a movie based on 'signs' by the same name. its a favorite of mine for its ingenious connections from the menial, mundane everyday things to great, momentous events that affect the characters' lives. this causes me to consider several 'little' things in my own life. i glance at the various owls sitting in various sizes and locations on my desk and in my office- and wonder if there is something tha...

It is Sunday evening and daylight savings time has allowed the sun to still shine brilliantly through our abundant living room windows. The couch and my rear-end congregate quickly and smoothly like long lost lovers reuniting. Over the last several months, I have created a human imprint in this space. It has been a combination of ennui and debility, crashing like colossal waves; over and over and over again. Think of those scorching summer days at the city pool. From opening to close. Swimming, laying out, swimming, snacking, and swimming some more until the pool closed. You were starved, sun kissed, and sun drained; and that overwhelming urge to grab forty winks took over your body. It has been like that, but without the fun, exercise, and vitamin D. There have been snacks, however. I have Hoovered an abundance of sucrose and salted treats; desperately seeking the dopamine. I have tried every marshmallowly sweetmeat I can find (thank Chuck for cotton candy peeps) and binge watched...

Its been a long time, my old friend. So long, I am not certain that I still have the capacity to pen the way I once did. Story-like and somewhat jovial in our struggles and still quite hopeful for the future to be different from the melodramatic somewhat overwhelming hell we have experienced over and over; year after year.  But since that time (i know you should not start with 'but' but I'm gonna anyway); I think I have changed a lot from who I was once or who I once was. I have felt this fluctuation, deformation, rectification coming for some time and it seems there was no way to prevent its inception. I was told, or more aptly put; warned that this would happen and the transformation of what I knew my life to be was inevitable.  It is impossible not to expect as much. I went from a mindset of carrying an imagined world upon my worried shoulders; to actually carrying the responsibility of doing right by an entire community, as well as one of the largest institutions i...

Its 2152 hrs, on a Wednesday night. I can't say that this will be eloquently penned; I'm not sure I still have the capacity to write that way. It has been so long since I have written, and so many things have transpired since my last note. I am only writing now, because I am honestly too lazy tonight to "chore" around the house and tired of looking at work related materials. originally started early 2017

It's 12:39 am, a Tuesday night, or Wednesday morning rather; the house is asleep. Everyone but me and the television. Dexter Season 5, episode 8 I believe. We are actually on Season 8, but since my love has a sleep schedule different than my own; I am going back mostly for sound... and possibly a lesson in boorish vocabulary via Debra Morgan. Her character uses the 'F" words in ways I have never thought of. *I just realized that the Netflix provided closed captions edit all the cuss words on this episode! Ha. I am on nights until May. I start my shift in the dark and come home in the dark. I revel in any minute of sunshine I might catch in the hour or so before I have to ready myself and head to work. I close my eyes and feel the sunbeams lay their long fingers upon my forehead and cheekbones; warming my face in those tiny moments. I look forward to warmer days, but we have many days of winter left before then. Although I had a most lovely night with my darling, we try...

Well, well, well... we meet again. It seems I always find myself back here. A need to speak to no one in particular or to no body at all but yet everyone or anyone that finds themselves here.  Let's see. I graduated in December with my Masters. I went the very quick route; no thesis and 12 credit hours a semester. I completed it as I intended although interestingly enough, accolades are not given for grades as they are in undergraduate studies. I have to remind myself that more than just an extra title or 'award' received, I wanted to the scores for me. Somewhere along my life's journey, I have collectively grouped all the voices that said 'I couldn't' into a faceless and terrifying entity that sits squarely on my shoulders. It holds in one hand a direct line to my subconsciousness and in the other a recorded, looped message doubting my abilities. Its claws hold tightly and I fear I'll never be able to shake it off of me.  I vaguely remember a line...

to begin, i am betting that this will be a vomiting and not in the eloquent sense that i am hoping for. my best friend started blogging the other day and i was reminded that this was a place i used to come to that i could unhinge and let go of all that which sat in my skull stewing all day. i had abandoned it (originally due to a hectic schedule- but eventually out of laziness i'd guess), and put it to the side of 'want to's' like reading for fun, quilting, learning a new trade, travel, gardening, etc... but what an amazing opportunity  this is that i have let slip by... when my daily expression of thought is based off of recitals and memorization or commands and requests and chatting to teenagers, spouse, and animals-- why wouldn't i come to this place of free thought and dumping of those other thoughts that begin before i am even awake and end... well, never i hope. [think or sink] so i thank you Ruby, for your continued inspiration you bestow upon me and i ...

Origin of BELOVED: Middle English, from past participle of beloven to love, from be- + loven to love First Known Use: 14th century. Words escape me. I have you on my mind all day long... over and over running through my mind, even when I am dreaming. The moment I sit down to express it. The words escape me. He is the warm breeze that glances off my shoulders and whispers as it blows through my hair, circling around me, I feel the comforts of home and I feel safe. He is the light that illuminates my path leading my way, and on the dreariest and darkest of days, he is my sunshine. He is the carrier of my heart, and wherever he goes, it goes with him...  

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air…" --Ralph Waldo Emerson "Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can." --Ralph Waldo Emerson "He who is in love is wise and is becoming wiser, sees newly every time he looks at the object beloved, drawing from it with his eyes and his mind those virtues which it possesses." --Ralph Waldo Emerson, Address on The Method of Nature, 1841 Monk was right. Emerson is great. These are my 'thoughts' that I cannot seem to put together.Words escape me tonight but I feel like having my fingers to keys or pen to paper... I miss him so much. Not just missing someone to help with dishes, or stand by and listen to my complaints and cheers of the day, or someone to handle the biz so I don't have to... its something like nothing else... I miss his smile, his touch, his laughter, his voice, the way he holds my hand, opens the door for me, pulls out my seat, lets me pick the movi...

It is freezing out. Well, I could not say for certain that the temperature is at  freezing... but I am shivering. My fire is dim, my bones are bare. There is an aching and emptiness that is all consuming. Days and nights stumble into one another with dilemas needing resolution and time spinning all too quickly yet my burning moments feel like molasses. I am... lost. I am separated from myself and all that was certain. I feel everything and it is too painful to bare. A painful acknowledgement that no matter how hard I have worked, and regardless of the benefits, and disregard of that beautifully smoked pipe dream... it is not to be. It can not be. To pursue it would be selfish. I have already been selfish in my pursuit for education. I should have gotten a damn "normal" job years ago and had a steady paycheck. Instead I have accumulated debt, and missed time with my children; if not activities, in stability and sanity. I pushed my husband into a career that may not have been...

How fascinating! I settled in on the couch late last night deciding I would "allow" myself a night of nothingness. I was watching a 2-disc documentary DVD of serial killers. Perhaps I am one of only a few mothers in America who can simultaneously listen to such gory material and carry out normal, menial tasks such as quilting or folding laundry, and not be bothered per se . The material is gruesome and tragic-- I recognize that... but I am fascinated by what makes these people killers in comparison to the rest of us non-killers. I wrapped up in a fuzzy fleece hug as red as a berry as the dog curled up at my feet and the cat nestled in my lap. Not long after stretching out, I realized an invisible string must be strung from my toes to my eyelids. The more stretching I did, the more comfortable I became, the harder it was to keep my eyes open. I dozed off during an episode about the "Profile of a Killer".... ...the first time I woke was due to the baking of myse...

I find it fascinating that when I choose to sit here with this open and in front of me- I find myself with nothing to say. Contrarily, when I am driving, walking to work or class, or laying in bed at night trying to rest my head from a long day-- many thoughts and ideas worth documenting (in my opinion) race about, bleeding into one another, and are lost again for another day. I am upset right now because I am lacking control over a situation that affects me in a certain way that I can not easily explain. I see in someone the capacity to make great changes in this putrid world we live in. I see in him the ability to reach people through example, through sacrifice, through laughter and music. This person has been illuminating our world for 32 years and mine for eight. With him and because of him, my life has changed. Oh, people say that kind of thing all the time and often rather flippantly-- but I say it with complete truth. He forgave me for my luggage, he accepted me with my im...

This will may be a more extensive 'vomitting' than posts past, not because I have had too much turkey, pie, or eggnog (or all of the above), but because there was a lot fit into these 15 hours I have been awake. The day began with what sounded like a rooster bobbing for apples as it crowed or maybe that it was hung upside down as it announced the new day approaching. I thought I had dreamed it or it was working its way through the ventilation system from the first floor television. Either way, the cock-a-doodle doo did it's duty and I peeled open my eyes. I reached beside the bed to check the time and realized the youngest had already made her way from the land of nod to cartoons and coloring books. I was less eager to put my feet on the floor as it had only been a few wee hours since I laid my head on the pillow for rest. I texted (amazing this word is not understood by my T9 (which is done through text)) my lovely husband who sadly (yet fantastically) is away for the f...

Well, here it is, almost two months since my last post. It has been quite an adventure thus far but I think ( unless I have completely gone off ) that I am maintaining better than I expected. Although in the last week and as the time draws near-- I find myself to be melancholy and terribly lost without my love by my side... It is an interesting process... this growth, this becoming. I had hoped it might be a little smoother, a little easier, a little less painful. In retrospect, I should expect as much as my life stories have generally followed that blueprint. Slightly difficult and generally complicated- almost always requiring a Plan B ( and sometimes, Plan C, Plan D, and multiple trips to the 'ol drawing board ). I think though, this and all of those stories before had a purpose I couldn't have predicted until more pieces of the bigger picture were presented. One thing that I thought I had already discovered was the human condition of loneliness and aching. I have experi...

that title was an infiltration by the aforementioned spouse... i thought it was cute and sweet... and so i shall leave it. as if it matters to anyone else, but it might be mentioned that i have had this particular blog page open with intention to write for more than four days now... it seems as if i do not have the time, but more often than not, the energy to sit and actually think. although i could do a brain dump and just type what comes to mind and hope it is neither too offensive, pointless, or out-there... ehh... will see how this progresses i guess.  i actually do not have time now, i need to clean the kitchen and pick up this room. i don't have to per se as no one is home but me and the critters... but it should be the perfect time to do it, right?

In case you were curious; yes, indeed, this does suck. I should elaborate or clarify that every waking moment doesn't suck-- but many (and sometimes, most) of them do. Chicken pot pie. A perfect meal for an individual. A. Uh. One. Not intended for sharing. Actually, I don't know if I've consistently ever eaten alone.... I tried to reflect on the time spent in my tiny one bedroom duplex that sheltered me after a major upset and I don't think I really ate much. If I did, I am sure it was very tiny and enough to sustain. Unless I am with good company, I find eating to be a chore. Do not take this moment to make judgments about my size- that is not the only reason I am thin. "God made me this way" as well. Not only that, but both of my birth parents are slender people. I don't mind the actual act of eating when the food is tasty, the right temperature, affordable priced, and good company to wash it down with... but minus any of those things and it just feel...

Well today was one for the books. I am actually unsure what to type. I am surrounded by love but I feel so alone. If anyone questioned my loyalty, faith, or monogamy to my husband than I challenge them as I can attest that it should never be a concern. I have never loved anyone more that I didn't bare from my own womb. I have never trusted anyone as much. I have never felt as proud as I do for him. I miss him so much and its just been a few hours. I miss him so much that I half convinced myself that this was just a dream. I miss him so much that although I am enveloped in support and love by our dear friends and family; I feel alone without him near. Nothing seems as good, clear, or beautiful without him. My laughter feels empty, my arms heavy; the day and its required duties are just that, required. FUNction... not really so much fun... Of course, I have a rational brain regardless of my heartache. He will return. This is not forever. He is doing a good thing. A serv...

I'm not sure I can do this. Well, I can do this-- typing and vomiting of words; but I am not sure that it will be worth the energy spent or your time to read it. Maybe you'll read that first line and agree and click the button for "next blog". Don't worry... I won't be offended. I might do the same. Or, I might be curious and keep reading. Either way- it's cool. (That's the chamomile talking. It's mellow.) There's really so much to say- but I don't really know where to start. I haven't written in so long and life has not slowed to catch up with my blogging negligence. The semester is almost over. I took on another 19hrs (stupidly I might add) as well as executive board on two organizations; bi-monthly volunteering for a very important non-profit, and chairperson for a community event that will hopefully occur next April. Needless to say it's no wonder the semester is over- I've barely had a moment to "see" it- its ...