Skin Itches
What's the use?
I shall not exceed any one's expectations, or excel above you or they...
...my whole life has been an 'average'... not drop dead gorgeous, not a genius, not a talented superstar, not an admirable athlete, not an undeniable funny man... just an average-pretty fairly-smart funny gal...
B-O-R-I-N-G
I was going to take up fencing for this entire reason. I don't know a single person who fences. How exciting would that be? and in conversations- imagine your surprise when you ask; "And what do you do in your spare time?"- I could then say, with total modesty and complete nonchalance; "Oh me? I fence. It's really no big deal; I just took it up for fun really; but I am going to France this summer for the championship. It's rather exciting." And then you would be like- "What? That is exciting. I don't know a single person who fences. You are unique."
... I guess that is what it boils down to. Being unique. Unlike another. Different. Special. Spectacular. My best friend and lover; is a music genius. He would modestly decline this title, but I am listening to his magnificence as I write this and I am amazed. He can really take any instrument- except for maybe a horn; although that isn't really fair to say as he hasn't tried- and make it sound amazing. Or he can listen to a song- sometimes only ONE time, and then play it just as he heard it. He taught himself to play the guitar, the bass, the drums, and pretty much the keyboard/piano. Oh, yeah. Did I mention he can sing beautifully? I feel pretty incompetent near him being that my only musical talent- aside from hearing a voice and usually knowing who it is- is shaking my ass appropriately to the beat. I have tried to sing- it always sounds better when no one else is around. Now, granted I have not tried hard to learn any instruments- so maybe it is not appropriate to discount myself completely; but I am pretty darn certain my assumption is accurate. This is OK. He can be the musician. I need that. I love that.
... But what do I have? I am a mediocre photographer, a moderate (less and less everyday) athlete, obviously a very good whiner... but no one aspires to be good at that; or at least shouldn't. However, I asked both my best friends- "Well, what I am I great at?"... they pause, thinking, and realize there is; nothing... nothing 'talent' wise anyway. They had many nice things to say about me, about the type of person I am, about my personality, but not one outstanding gift. They do say something about my writing, but I expect them to be a little bias- and they are both great writers too... Is it wrong of me to want to be the best at something? Is it vain, or selfish, or trivial?
This all stems from a life less exciting. I forgot to mention that said lover previously mentioned also has two of the most exciting self-employed jobs one can have... no, not pimp; better than that. Am I jealous? Great; another personality defect. No. Not jealous; well, a little... but maybe more like bored. Bored with myself. I want to be dynamite, a firecracker. I want people and my children to find something exciting about me... something unique to me.
... I am looking for it. I have not given up on it. I am just venting I guess. I am soul searching. I am self-evaluating. I am looking.
It is not under any rock; I have looked here and there. I know one thing- something I do not know if I am willing to admit- it may simply be finding a comfortable spot inside my skin. Accepting that I am great with who and what I am... but I fear that too. That "comfortabilty" that sometimes slows us from reaching for more...
"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." -- Les Brown.
I shall not exceed any one's expectations, or excel above you or they...
...my whole life has been an 'average'... not drop dead gorgeous, not a genius, not a talented superstar, not an admirable athlete, not an undeniable funny man... just an average-pretty fairly-smart funny gal...
B-O-R-I-N-G
I was going to take up fencing for this entire reason. I don't know a single person who fences. How exciting would that be? and in conversations- imagine your surprise when you ask; "And what do you do in your spare time?"- I could then say, with total modesty and complete nonchalance; "Oh me? I fence. It's really no big deal; I just took it up for fun really; but I am going to France this summer for the championship. It's rather exciting." And then you would be like- "What? That is exciting. I don't know a single person who fences. You are unique."
... I guess that is what it boils down to. Being unique. Unlike another. Different. Special. Spectacular. My best friend and lover; is a music genius. He would modestly decline this title, but I am listening to his magnificence as I write this and I am amazed. He can really take any instrument- except for maybe a horn; although that isn't really fair to say as he hasn't tried- and make it sound amazing. Or he can listen to a song- sometimes only ONE time, and then play it just as he heard it. He taught himself to play the guitar, the bass, the drums, and pretty much the keyboard/piano. Oh, yeah. Did I mention he can sing beautifully? I feel pretty incompetent near him being that my only musical talent- aside from hearing a voice and usually knowing who it is- is shaking my ass appropriately to the beat. I have tried to sing- it always sounds better when no one else is around. Now, granted I have not tried hard to learn any instruments- so maybe it is not appropriate to discount myself completely; but I am pretty darn certain my assumption is accurate. This is OK. He can be the musician. I need that. I love that.
... But what do I have? I am a mediocre photographer, a moderate (less and less everyday) athlete, obviously a very good whiner... but no one aspires to be good at that; or at least shouldn't. However, I asked both my best friends- "Well, what I am I great at?"... they pause, thinking, and realize there is; nothing... nothing 'talent' wise anyway. They had many nice things to say about me, about the type of person I am, about my personality, but not one outstanding gift. They do say something about my writing, but I expect them to be a little bias- and they are both great writers too... Is it wrong of me to want to be the best at something? Is it vain, or selfish, or trivial?
This all stems from a life less exciting. I forgot to mention that said lover previously mentioned also has two of the most exciting self-employed jobs one can have... no, not pimp; better than that. Am I jealous? Great; another personality defect. No. Not jealous; well, a little... but maybe more like bored. Bored with myself. I want to be dynamite, a firecracker. I want people and my children to find something exciting about me... something unique to me.
... I am looking for it. I have not given up on it. I am just venting I guess. I am soul searching. I am self-evaluating. I am looking.
It is not under any rock; I have looked here and there. I know one thing- something I do not know if I am willing to admit- it may simply be finding a comfortable spot inside my skin. Accepting that I am great with who and what I am... but I fear that too. That "comfortabilty" that sometimes slows us from reaching for more...
"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." -- Les Brown.
Please see: Two Turn Tables and a Broken Microphone. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou are the only one in the world who has my heart. Thus, you are the only one who possesses THAT talent. Many have tried and failed. You however, have just the right talent to have it. LM
ReplyDelete