Splendiferous Conventionality

well, i felt like writing, for a whole second- then i realized my tummy is starting to hurt (kind of feels like hunger, but that's just silly-- i REALLY DID eat supper this evening)... oooohhh, maybe its FROM the supper my tummy hurts? oh shiv i hope not, i fed my family and the neighbor kid! having a hard night. need to focus or go to bed because my mind is not in a healthy place right now. like i said, i felt like writing, but now, not so much. i also realize that the last sentence probably contained too many commas, but i am using them to emphasize my pause. i'm going. have to go to the store, and it is... let's see... ELEVEN degrees out. 11. 10 more than 1. ee-lev-un. stupid cold. but the kids need milk for the morning, and lunch for the next day, and dessert for after dinner tomorrow night. i will try this again later if i feel up to it. good day.

i've had an upset stomach for several days now... its quite frustrating as i see no rhyme or reason for it. perhaps its stress. it could be a virus. who knows. but i want it to go away. i missed my two morning classes, a conference call, a meeting for CJSA, and a chiropractic appointment. in all fairness, it would have been a real bugger to get all of that in anyway--- but i couldn't move without absolutely using all muscles to keep from upchucking the water i squeezed down the night before. what the heck? if its a virus-- no prob. it will find its way out of me at some point, although hopefully not before i become a zombie... zombie flu? its next you know. however, if it is stress... well, shiv. welcome to my life then. it will not go away. the stress isn't leaving, then neither will my tummy aches. its almost like morning sickness, however; we all know that is absolutely impossible. but similar style of 'ache'. ugh. a headache too. an icky, binding, metal scraping

Just a short quip. Not much time before I have to leave. I don't want to go today. I want to sleep. The fire under my butt went out... or is dimmed anyway. I feel lazy. I feel unmotivated. I feel secluded. I feel defeated. I feel lost. I feel remote. I feel old. Speaking of this-- old. I see aging. I look down at my hands as they lay gracefully along the keyboard, and as they flit from letter to letter, announcing my thoughts-- and I see age. Creases, wrinkles, lines, pleats, crinkles, time and history. I recognize them on my face- on my furrowed brow, along my smile, tracing age from my eyes. I never thought I'd be concerned with this-- well, not never but not at my age. Just barely into thirties. Yet, it is there, and often I look down at my aging hands and am reminded of my mortality. That time continues on faster and faster, and each day I age a little more... and what I have I done with these thirty (one) years? Who am I? Where am I going? What have I done? I worry these

my mind is whirling. seriously feeling out of control. a roller coaster without a stop switch. a one way ticket to on and on. for all those years i let it ride now its catching up to me. i can't stop. i can't stand still. i can't sleep at peace. i can hardly breathe. i want to do so much. but time seems so short. my heart too big my brain so full my pocket so thin. some one-- please help me off this thing.

... have you seen the "Safe Place Here" signs at QuickTrip? It is a yellow diamond shaped sign with what appears to be a blob type figure standing behind a smaller blog shaped figure. The larger shaped person is in an outline- and ironically the screws that keep the sign to the pole are in the right location for eyes. The smaller shape is a shadow, or all in black and it appears as if the larger blob with the creepy screw eyes- is manhandling the little shadow. Really!! It looks as if the "adult" in the picture is groping the "child" on the chest from behind!!! I am a grown woman and this did not make me feel safe in the least bit. I want a job assuring that signs are appropriate and useful! i have several others that are questionable... ...although i have noticed this one a time or two and had to say something. Now its said. Good day.

i need to be in bed. eyes closed. sawing logs. probably dreaming real, distinct absurdities due to the night time cold medicine and one, A, (proud of myself) shot of tequila. should prove to be interesting sleep... but it is quiet. not completely. through the opened windows i hear the remains of summer, crickets and other noisy insects singing their hymns and love calls to one another. faintly from down the hall, i hear the repeated jingle of Spongebob Square Pants as it has reached the end of episodes, and now sits on the main menu-- playing the little flute chorus- well, i am uncertain if that is a chorus, but it is playing over and over again which is really the point i am getting at. the cat sits watch in the chair next to me. aware of any sound that doesn't sound as if it should be. the daughter dearest- asleep in our bed crashed out while i read her library book, Goosebumps, "Calling all Creeps". *a side note: she is reading on a 6th grade level (in the 3rd grade) a

its windy today. it wasn't earlier. but it is now. i sit outside in it regardless- semi sheltered by the trees and fences surrounding our yard. pretty soon the sounds of nature- crickets to my left and far off on the right, the wind rustling through the tree tops, and an occasional bird bitching at a squirrel- will be interrupted by the squealing pleasure of elementary students on recess. some days it takes a lot to even remember what that felt like- its been so so long. if i think hard enough i can remember a recess or two from every year- kindergarten we played "Gremlins" on the jungle gym. Nick, Regan, Sabrina, and i. i always got to be Gizmo. blame it on the fact that at age 5 my eyes were too big for my face. Nick sometimes played as Stripe but sometimes we got that kid who picked his nose and ate his snot to be Stripe. Then Nick would be my owner, and he would feel terrible that he gave me chicken after midnight when bad gremlins would pop out of me wrecking havoc o

A beautiful quote by my great-grandfather who passed away this last spring at the tender age of 94 after a long, amazing life: "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving in a pretty, pristine body but rather to come sliding in sideways, all used up and exclaiming, "wow, what a ride!" If you knew him, or had ever met him, or had the privilege to share a few moments; perhaps over a Vodka on the rocks, or a Cape Cod; while discussing old times-- you would know he believed this wholeheartedly and fulfilled it as well. Miss you Double.

i see something we all face. at some point or another. i mean some may successful surpass this issue as an elementary student, middle schooler , high schooler , or even in college. some may attack and succeed in this fight as a younger adult... but some and most continue to suffer with this need to please, a need to be accepted, a want to be the best, but to be appreciated for who they really are- and who are we all kidding? when do we actually figure out who that person is?? probably well into one's sixties if we're lucky- but that my friends in my sincerest observations is entirely dependant on who were thought we were in our 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s. i can't tell you how many 'adults' i have met who said they wish they would have... followed dream A, B, or C... or all. Perhaps those that have found that ' ok - ness ' within themselves never stopped following their dreams. Maybe when someone tried to stop them in the beginning- telling them it "was fooli

Flies = II Ninja Fly Killa = VI Quiet. The house sits quiet. The children, my husband, even the cat are all asleep. I should be. Its very late. Well, very late if you have to drag butt out of bed while the sun is still sleeping in order to get your middle schooler to the bus and off to school on time. I am not a morning person. I think this has been determined through the time of day these blogs have been posted, and if you have ever caught me by phone or in person before ten a.m. It's not usually very pretty. More Medusa meets Cruella De'ville bred with a mother grizzly. My husband (and my children) can verify this data. So, I work at night. Its my time. My time to do it ALL. Homework, housework, whatever I can find that needs to be done. Sometimes, I even get to read during this time, and that is a real treat... love it but it is dangerous because I often find myself inside the story and by the time I pause to release my screaming bladder and stretch the tingly sleeping legs-

What is going on with me? I am out of control. I don't know if you have ever experienced Divine Intervention, or a "calling" -- a true, spiritual calling to do something greater than what you'd been doing previous to this interaction with Fate's salesman. It is overwhelming. It is all consuming. It is smothering. It is painful, and it is joyous. I have felt this one other time before. I was working in a nursing home as a receptionist. We had an in service regarding Hospice- and the nurse giving the meeting was simply explaining some of the procedures and some of the facilities available and some of the reasons why people choose Hospice- when I noticed that I was softly bawling. (if bawling can ever be considered 'soft'). I didn't know why- I wasn't currently involved with someone going through this stage of their life- I had lost people before, but not in a manner similar to this that might strike those chords-- what was the deal? I've always b

God grant me the serenity... ... I've said this prayer a thousand times. I suppose it has worked although most days it doesn't feel like I have been given much serenity. It is my own fault. I do not pray well for help. I should have all these years. All this time. It may have helped. Perhaps I would have taken a different road than I have. But I suppose its a little late for 'what ifs'... right? I haven't felt this way in a long long time and it is so greatly disappointing to know that I am here again. But it is in fact different. The person of times ago was never anything more than a bearer (of sorts) for my children... things are not the same. This can not bear me a child. I will gain no fruit from this. It was just a shot in the dark for something greater than what I had ever hoped or expected- and it seems to be something that should have waited... some times you can go through life and after many a experience thinking I know more than what I knew before -- but

wow. i just yawned big enough that i forced myself to end the yawn in fear of swallowing my own face...

Just a few lines. "Write just a few lines everyday." Sometimes having the ability to write 'just a few lines' requires the same energy to do just 10 more sit ups when your stomach muscles are already screaming at you from the 30 the day before. My brain works in a similar fashion. I have done too many 'crunches' and it is tired at this point. It is easier to make up or rationalize a reason not to write [hence using my brain]-- then to just do a few lines. Is this laziness? Is this disassociation? Is this denial? Is this fair? I am not the only one working hard. You might be someone who is working hard too. Maybe your best friend, your spouse, your parent are also working their asses off- and possibly walking the thin and shaky line of sanity and 'lost my gottdam mind'... I am not gloating, boasting, whining, [well, a little on the latter]; or inducting myself into the Martyr of the Year Hall of Fame-- I guess I am just reminding myself that I am wor

Ironically, my favorite ice cream is very similar to my 'real' life... although the name is indicative of troubles and challenges... it is filled with hidden pleasantries; marshmallow creme and almonds encased in a chocolaty goodness... although eaten in large quantities, will cause a tummy ache --like life. Life must be taken in small bites- no more than one can chew... otherwise one might choke. I am thankful for my little bowl of goodness- a nice little treat after a very long day. I know that some friends of mine are currently having a much harder time of life- and the rocky road feels, and is extra bumpy right now. I send them hugs and hope for sunnier and brighter days. Hold on to one another, and keep the shiny side up. To my besties- y'all are the best. Thank you for your love and support. Have a bowl of your favorite yummy iced cream- you deserve it too! Good night moon- I see you smiling tonight.

I just wanted to take the quickest of moments to say how thankful I am for what I have. I'd be lying if I was saying that it is easy, and sundays with sprinkles all the time... there are days I wonder if I will make it through, or if I have the strength to do anything else, I sometimes feel unappreciated, I sometimes feel worn, I sometimes wonder if I am a good enough mom, friend, daughter, sister, spouse... do I worry more than I need to, do I not do enough for them, for my community, for my part of the world; maybe I am doing too much, have taken on too much? Spread myself too thin. This isn't a blog about that- this is just a simple thanks to all the above mentioned- and for God for gracing me with this life- as tough as it might be- for allowing me this experience. I am truly blessed and lucky and so glad to have what I have; and for the first time in my life- I feel content and happy and loved. There is so much more to see and do- but I feel ready to face it. Also- thinkin

My table, currently, is the perfect analogy of my life... piles of things to be done; homework, kids' papers, bills to pay, receipts; window cleaner, a bottle of Pledge and some paper towels; a hammer, two dead batteries, some medicine, and approximately four broken items in desperate need of some serious super glue. All these things remain on the table... no one is fixing, gluing, paying, filing, or giving any attention to these things... they sit and collect dust and past due notices... the table, like me, is overwhelmed. There are too many things to fix; too many pieces to match up to their broken spots; too many things to keep straight and organize-- I want to take my long, gangly arm and sweep these things on to the floor- watching with glee as they tumble onto the floor with various degrees of sounds- CRASH BANG THUMP CLATTER- batteries roll under the couch, the cat chases the roll of paper towels, papers flit and flutter until they finally find a new home amongst the wood fl

What's the use? I shall not exceed any one's expectations, or excel above you or they... ...my whole life has been an 'average'... not drop dead gorgeous, not a genius, not a talented superstar, not an admirable athlete, not an undeniable funny man... just an average-pretty fairly-smart funny gal... B-O-R-I-N-G I was going to take up fencing for this entire reason. I don't know a single person who fences. How exciting would that be? and in conversations- imagine your surprise when you ask; "And what do you do in your spare time?"- I could then say, with total modesty and complete nonchalance; "Oh me? I fence. It's really no big deal; I just took it up for fun really; but I am going to France this summer for the championship. It's rather exciting." And then you would be like- "What? That is exciting. I don't know a single person who fences. You are unique." ... I guess that is what it boils down to. Being unique. Unlike an

- fresh fallen snow - perfectly brewed coffee - finding a close parking space - getting all green lights when running late - a fluffy comfy wooby - fuzzy kittens and cuddly puppies - fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and ice cold milk - a heads up penny - finding a childhood friend and falling back right where you left off - turning on the radio to hear your favorite song - a warm towel out of a steamy shower - a glance from your lover across the room - getting a high score on Yahtzee night - family fun night and mini-me cuddles - finding the perfect shoes... ON CLEARANCE - finding $5 in a coat pocket from last winter - a perfect lip gloss - hot cocoa with marshmallow... MARSHMALLOW CREAM - Saturday morning cartoons with a bowl of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch - jeans day - fresh pad of notebook paper and a perfect pen - Cinnamon Bun Ben & Jerry's ice cream - handmade cards - the perfect pair of sunglasses - sleeping in on Sunday morning - breakfast for supper - homemade pie

"It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one's heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize." --Stephen R Covey "Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves- regret for the past and fear of the future." --Fulton Oursler Regretfully, this blog shall remain bones as I can not give it meat today. My brain is empty, a block sits on my neck- merely sitting pretty instead of being functional and useful... perhaps there is too much I am expecting out of it right now- after all, I only have two sides; a left and right... part of its usage requires general functionality- breathing, heart beating, blood running, eyes blinking, and other 'biologies'- and then work, school, future planning, friends, family, housework, etc... so I guess that there isn't enough free space available. Memory full. I apologize- p

... no blog tonight. I am sorry. Do not huff and puff- you can not blow my place in- I am too tired. I sleep now. You are the only one who reads this. Yeah, YOU ! Thank you, though, for caring enough to look. Perhaps you will not be disappointed Friday morning. Until then, good night you , good night moon.

"Lemon-aide might not be made of lemons, but of different source. Proceed with caution." I pause ( again ) to ask myself what my direction and intentions are in this life- or at least at this juncture. It feels like every day is challenging, overwhelming; feeling even more difficult than the day before it and the one before it. You know that one day of the week where nothing goes right from beginning to end; starting with an overworked snooze button -waking twenty minutes past the point of a calm and pleasant morning schedule- leading to a mad rush out of the house following the quickest tooth brushing known to man- having breakfast in the form of a Twinkie chased down by a Pepsi- merely stopping long enough to assure that both shoes match- only finding out as you're looking down and pulling the door behind you that you have in fact just locked yourself out of the house, and out of your car-- not to mention that by the time a locksmith comes ("we can be there sometim

Frick and Frack. One of those days where the 180 doesn't kick in til its 8 hrs past the time I need it to. Its almost two. Big deal. The house is quiet- with the exception of my swift tick tick ticking as I type these random and definitely unmanaged thoughts out- the rather awkward humming of the ceiling fan as though it is overworked and underpaid and by its loudness I might recognize its diligence and may be give it a raise- the occasional skitter of the two new additions to our 'House of Wayward Pets'- Tammy the rat and 'Scampers' the rat (although the latter is just a nickname; she hasn't been officially named yet)- don't worry they are caged- and caged trained. I pause to ' see ' what else I can hear ( isn't that funny? ) and I can now make out the sounds of my lover taking deep, hard, and totally unconscious breaths out of his nose, which slightly resembles the sound of a hibernating bear. The youngest- a TV still runs- an old DVD, "

Today, while freezing my can off outside- I glanced to my left where two large boxes stood soggy and covered by the freshly fallen snow. What caught my eye was the most amazing thing! Amongst all the little pellets of snow, were the teeny tiniest perfectly shaped 6 point snowflakes. I mean tiny and perfect-as if the tiniest little hands took the tiniest pieces of paper and cut out the tiniest little snowflakes - held them in their tiny hands and blew - and they softly fell to earth just waiting to be seen by someone who took the time... someone to notice the simple things. Most of us spent the majority of the day complaining of the cold- as it was considerably frigid and quite bitter... but to notice and hold for a moment something so beautiful and intricate and unaffected-- it was amazing. I tried sharing it with others. People who I thought could use a little glance at God's amazing attention to detail. Most thought I was crazy, (not all; one shared in it's wonder) others th

... tequila in itself is a dangerous elixir . A drink. A. Not a- heavy on the aaaaayyyy . A. More like uh. A. Or Ahh . A drink. Never happens. Elixir . Spirit. Devil's Juice. Yummy beverage. It doesn't happen. One. A. Ah. Uh. Why? Because it loosens your shoulders. A tingling numbing sensation encompasses the upper half of your body. Really, in the beginning it skips your head- that comes later. Weird how that works- but that's how it is. Shoulders into elbows into forearms into wrists into hands and finally fingertips... If it reaches below any of this, you may be in trouble and my best suggestion is water and heavy doses of Ibruprofren and or Tylenol type items... maybe even 'punch the punching bag' as my loveliest would say, and has done. ...but that initial shoulder relaxation is what we strive for by having A drink. A weight off our shoulders so to speak- life releases its anxieties with each sip of Vermouth or shot of Tequila. We can physically watch a wee

The first day of the work week meets me with the same ol' story. Chaotic freak-outs of employees and customers alike with fires burning- all looking for me to hold the fire hose. I don't want to put out fires, or hold any hose-- I want peace and quiet; not desperate cries of "help"- instead I need waterfall splashes and the unruffled carol of tropical birds infiltrating my eardrums as I adjust to a forgotten and now icy cup of coffee. "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays." Thank you Office Space ; for totally nailing exactly how I have felt since I first started working in offices 'oh so many years ago... I always wondered if Tuesday were the first day of the work week- would it then be: "Sounds like someone has a case of the Tuesdays." ? I imagine so- as I think less that it has anything to do with the fact that it is " Monday "- but more that it is the first day of the week; no one wants to be at work, Jim didn't get